Red Flags are signals that a person is not healthy or safe to have a certain level of relationship with because of highly potential problems.
In regular dating, you’ve probably been interested in someone with a lot of red flags but ignored them because of the dopamine high they were giving you or your own willful ignorance.
Sending dick pics or provacative text messages.
Everyone knows that surprise dick pics are played out.
And offering someone that you will support and take care of them, or you want to serve them, out of the blue is… ridiculous.
I can understand using those provacative messages as raw form of expressing how much you like someone—but definitely not something to be taken seriously.
If someone is coming at you like this and they’re serious, they can be lovebombing you, maybe they’re homeless, etc.
Using Titles Too Soon
Very early on they start calling you slave, Master, boy, etc.
In a world where most men assume they are Dominants, and who don’t enough action—these dudes will pretend they know anything about BDSM and start calling any naive young lady their slave or sub.
Imposing any kind of power dynamic or relationship without negotiations and consent is an immediate red flag.
At best, they have no idea what they’re doing, but at the very least—they’re being predatory and seeking to exploit you.
They don’t understand BDSM terms, concepts, or etiquette.
Here are some examples:
- No regard for consent (HUGEST RED FLAG)
- They don’t know what triggers or limits are
- They think CNC means no safewords
- Believing the sub must blindfully fully obey Dom always w/o question
- No idea what SSC or RACK is
SSC means Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
RACK is Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Which means that you know the type of play you’re gonna have is inherently risky, but you will make the effort to make it as safe as possible with least amount of risk needed.
Emotional insecurity or immaturity that affects their ability to play competently.
Before I ever struck a submissive with a flogger, rod, or cane, I had someone else do it to me first. This is because I wanted to know how it felt so I could know what I was doing to my bottom’s in the future.
If you don’t have a Top who’s willing to become aware of how it feels to be a bottom, then you’re dealing with someone who is either immature or maybe they have a legitimate reason—use your discernment.
For example, I don’t want anal done to me, despite me Topping my bottom’s for anal play. Absolutely nothing in me wants to be penetrated and the thought of doing so goes against my “inner consent” and authentic being.
I make sure my bottom understands this and she will either accept it, or if she’s more adamant she’ll push the issue. In the case she wants me to try to fold on my consent, I mention my hemorrhoids.
Which brings us to the other side. In the case where your sub is being pushy that you try something you know in your heart-of-hearts you don’t want to do, then she is technically “Topping from the bottom” and being emotionally immature by trying to downplay your lack of consent
There is also an issue of jealousy if your partner is playing with someone else and you feel a type of way about it. This is usually resolved with communication or more boundaries.
They deny you aftercare.
Unacceptable.
For those of you who bottom, consider aftercare a necessity if the Top ever wants to play with you again.
This is because aftercare helps prevent sub drop, or emotional and physical lows that a bottom can experience after the high the Top puts them through via play.
If the Top doesn’t understand that aftercare is a part of the entire shebang, then… that’s a red flag and it’s best you let go of someone so inconsiderate.
They offer PnP or “Party and Play”.
This sounds fun buuuutt—
It involves hard drugs and/or alcohol that inherently disregards SSC and RACK since these will never be safe, are on the edge of sane, and many times are just not consensual.
A red flag is a red flag is a red flag. Move along.
Wants to use unearned honorific.
“Call me Sir” said the newbie you just met and who has no idea what they are doing.
Now if you’ve already been playing with someone and you trust them, then using some kinky names during play isn’t a big deal.
But being told to refer to someone with an honorific who has no actual claim to the name is a definite red flag.
People with honorifics are recognized for their competence in kink.
You giving that to someone who hasn’t earned it is like calling a recruit a General, or an undergraduate a Doctor. They haven’t earned any credible recognition that grants them public titles like that.
Honorifics include: Sir, Ma’am, Master, Mistress, Daddy, Mommy, Baby Boy, Baby Girl, Slave, Pup, etc.
The context you use these honorifics are important.
They try getting you drunk so you change your limits.
This goes against the Consensual fundamental of SSC and borders on the possibility of rape.
We all know alcohol and drugs make you more open to things you wouldn’t normally do. So if someone directly asks you if your boundaries change when you’re drinking or partying…
The underlying message is, will you do what I want if I get you drunk or high enough? Even if it’s against your sound wishes?
This person wants to take advantage of you.
“I have no limits” / “You can’t hurt me”
…They definitely have limits and you can definitely hurt them.
This person is inviting predatory people to hurt them.
However, if you’ve already been playing with someone and they say this, it usually means they want things rougher than it has been since they already have a feel for your baseline.
People who actively put down people with HIV or have an infection fetish and are looking to contract HIV from people who wear the HIV indicator signs.
People with HIV can play and are more likely to when their symptoms are undetectable and untransmitable. This means that the HIV is under control.
However, there are people actively looking to contract the virus as their fetish. Unlike other fetishes, this is extreme.
Given that there are some mentally unwell people out there, it isn’t hard to imagine someone out there is hoping to spread the disease as well.
Some people will wear pins, patches, profile emojis, and tattoos to signal to others they have HIV. Here are indicators that someone has HIV: ☣️, ⚠️, 🎗️, 🦠, 🙊, etc.
When someone describes themselves as “crazy” or “sociopathic”.
Then there’s a good chance they are what they say they are. In the worst, and most common case scenario, these people have personality disorders.
These people are vaguely aware of their issues, and are willing to mention it upfront because:
(1) it’s a fleeting feeling they have about themselves and haven’t looked into, and (2) because you “can’t get mad” at them and hold them accountable if they told you upfront.
Although these personality types are what sadists in the community are all about, these people are typically too underdeveloped psychologically to have any sense of morality, ethics, empathy, or any genuine care for others.
I won’t tell you to take a chance just because they are showing a semblance of honesty—because you are better off finding someone who is much more self-aware in who they are and describes themselves as a healthy human being and not homicidally predatory.
“I think I’m crazy/a sociopath” = I have very strong narcissistic/sociopathic tendencies/disorder and will hurt you worse than you’ve been hurt before.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
