The other day I was having a conversation with someone on the topic of safe words. She was telling me about the last person she played with who claimed to be a Dom.
” I just remember one time we tried something and I called ‘Red’.
They made me feel bad about it and said, ‘Hh you made me feel like a bad dom.'”
My response: “Dang! Hearing ‘red’ is a good thing. If I can trust you to say ‘red’, then I can trust you to be honest with me when we play—
It’s important you understand that there are no bad consequences for communicating with me.”
What are safe words?
Safewords are designated words used to interrupt an activity or scene.
You typically want to discuss safe words and limits before acting out a scene with somebody.
For an added safety measure, directly ask the person you are going to play with if they use safe words and respect limits.
If they don’t know what you’re talking about or won’t accept these boundaries, it’s best not to continue forward with this person.
What are safe words used for?
When a bottom, such as a submissive or masochist, feels they are reaching or going beyond their limits, they will use a safe word to let their top know.
Typically a safe word is used to stop the scene altogether. But there are also safe words that let the top know to “slow down” or to “take it down a notch”. This is done to avoid bringing the scene to a halt.
Why are safe words important?
People tend to say the words “no” and “that hurts” during sexual intercourse, without the intention of having their partner stop.
BDsM on the other hand can cause real harm. So there’s no room to be unsure about whether you should stop.
This is where safewords come in.
Safewords are important because they help prevent physical and psychological injury.
If you’re getting whipped during a scene and it’s too painful for you, there’s no question that a safeword like “mercy” means to stop immediately. As opposed to *lustful grunt* “oh no” *silent grin* “stop…”.
How do safe words work?
You should never inflict more pain than someone has agreed and consented to. As soon as you hear your partner use their safe word, stop immediately.
When you are a top, it is your responsibility that the scene remains safe and pleasurable for both parties.
How to Use Safe Words – Red Yellow Green
The very first safe words I was taught were the traffic light safewords back when I visited a slave auction.
Red means to stop. You say this when you’ve reached your limit. This implies that you are not consenting to go any further beyond your limits. Stop everything immediately.
Yellow means to slow down a bit. The top is starting to reach your threshold where you aren’t finding the play satisfying. This lets them know to ease off a bit.
Green means go. You are eager and comfortable to get on with the scene.
What are some good safe words?
A good, verbal safe word is something that will be heard and doesn’t fit the context. Calling out the names of foods is a great example of this.
It makes it easy for the top to hear and distinguish the safeword so they can stop.
List of Common Safe Words
- Safeword
- Yellow
- Red
- Banana
- Bubbles
- Pineapple
- Oklahoma
- Jupiter
- Mayday
- Veto
- Mercy
- Martha
Do doms use safe words?
A Dom uses safewords, or lack thereof, as a measure of what is consensual, and non-consensual, pain for their partner.
However, sometimes a submissive can be too overwhelmed physically, emotionally, or even spiritually, to use a safe word.
It’s the Dom’s responsibility to make sure the scene is safe, pleasurable, and consensual. If you see your partner doing any of the following, stop immediately and check on your partner:
- Hysterical behavior
- Hyperventilating
- High emotional distress
- Low blood circulation (cold to the touch)
- Loss of consciousness (deep subspace)
Consider the above to be “silent safewords”. Make sure they are in a calm and stable state before deciding whether or not to continue.
Nonverbal Safe Words: Safe words when you can’t speak
Nonverbal safewords are signals you use to stop a scene when you aren’t able to speak.
In cases where your partner won’t be able to verbally use a safeword, you must discuss nonverbal safewords.
Here are some examples of nonverbal safewords:
- Squeezing your partner’s hand
- Dropping an item you were already holding
- Tapping your partner repeatedly
- Squeezing a bike horn
- Shaking your head and repeating “unh unh unh”
- Shaking a bell or jingling keys
- Dropping a fistful of change on solid ground
- Tapping out like a wrestler
- Snapping your fingers
- Using a dog clicker
- Holding up the peace sign with your fingers
Keep in mind that anything can be a nonverbal safeword. What’s important is that your partner knows what it is so they are aware of it.
Your nonverbal safewords will also be different depending on the scene.
Discussing Safe Words with Partner
It’s important that your partner understands that there are no negative consequences for using safewords.
Tell your sub that it’s very important to you that they don’t try impressing you beyond their own personal threshold.
Make them understand that using safewords WILL NOT disappoint you and it is NOT an indication of inadequacy for anyone in any way.
The willingness to use safewords when things get too intense is a mark of trust.
–FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS–
What safe words when in trouble?
All safewords are meant to be used when you are in trouble or even suspect you are in trouble.
Best safe Words for subs in the bedroom?
The best safewords are the words that keep you safe. Make sure you can trust your partner to respect your safewords. And make sure your safewords can be easily distinguished – you can say it clearly and it doesn’t make sense contextually.
Safe Words that Don’t Ruin the Mood
Safewords are intended to “ruin the mood” in the name of safety. They are intended to throw off the top and stop (or slow down) the scene. It’s a very minor inconvenience to pay for your well-being.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have.
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
