In this post, we go over how to talk to your partner about ethical non-monogamy.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Ethical Non-Monogamy
- Engage in self-reflection first
Find out what you want from non-monogamy and why you want it before approaching your partner to talk about exclusive non-monogamy (ENM). I have asked any clients interested in ENM to be completely honest with themselves. Is this interest in ENM about exploration, or does ENM seem appealing because you hope that it may provide an escape from, or a solution to, a problem within your current relationship?
If you find yourself in this situation it is important to understand that successful ENM relationships require a strong emphasis on openness, honesty, and communication. These qualities are even more crucial in ENM relationships compared to monogamous ones.
It is crucial to note that ENM is not a quick fix for relationship issues. Instead it may bring attention to existing problems. For instance individuals in hierarchical polyamorous relationships who experience lower levels of sexual satisfaction with their primary partner have found more fulfillment with their secondary partner. This suggests that any issues you may be facing in your current relationship, such as a lack of sexual satisfaction can become more prominent due to the absence of these problems in other romantic or sexual relationships you have had. This can lead to dissatisfaction and instability within your current relationship.
- Set Smart Aiming Targets
Expressing a desire for sexual or emotional intimacy with another person elicited strong reactions from the person they spoke with. This means you must have realistic expectations about how your partner will respond to the discussion.
This conversation has the potential to surface existing insecurities surrounding ones worthiness, attachment within relationships, and desirability. Your partner may not have ever contemplated this subject matter before or may already possess strong convictions regarding ethical non monogamy. When you broach the topic of exploring consensual non monogamy with your partner after initially entering into a monogamous relationship contract. It puts that predetermined understanding at stake.
It is natural for individuals to feel a sense of unease, uncertainty, or fear when confronted with the concept of ENM. Additionally. Your partner may also express interest in exploring ENM, which could lead to a conversation filled with joy and relief. It is important to be prepared for various possible outcomes and respond to your partners reaction with kindness and understanding.
Furthermore you might also experience intense emotions as a result of your partners response. Therefore it is crucial to develop effective strategies for managing and expressing your own feelings in order to facilitate productive communication during the conversation.
- Be Careful About When And Where You Meet.
When engaging in discussions of sensitive topics with your partner it is crucial to place importance on the emotional aspect. If you truly believe that your relationship is firmly established on a strong base. Then engaging in open and honest conversations about these subjects can prove advantageous.
However its’ important to approach such discussions with respect and tact. In certain situations. Individuals who are not interested in exploring non monogamy may react negatively towards their partners who suggest it. They may label them as offensive, selfish, disrespectful, or question their character. Its’ important to navigate these reactions delicately while still maintaining a respectful and trusting relationship.
By fostering an atmosphere characterized by mutual respect and trust. One can potentially mitigate some of the intense emotions felt by their partner. However its worth noting that their partner may not hold the same assumptions about them. Therefore. Approaching these conversations without making any assumptions about how they perceive oneself or ones intentions becomes imperative.
Preparing yourself and your partner mentally and emotionally is critical before talking about ENM. There are four signs that you should stop a conversation because of their potential impact on how productive and conducive it can be: feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. ENM is more likely to be discussed respectfully and openly if you bring it up when you and your partner are both at ease.
Ensuring that you and your partner have enough time to talk about ENM is just as important as considering your physical and mental health. However, raising this issue as your partner prepares to leave the house may not allow for enough time for you to express your thoughts and feelings. This could lead to misunderstandings or feelings of being unheard.
- Outline Your Goals And Expectations For The Talk.
Tell your partner how you learned about ENM and what you already know about it when the time and place are right. Make it clear if they don’t immediately agree or disagree with your words. Next, be honest and clear about what you like about ENM and how you envision it becoming a part of your life. Maintain a genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings about what you’ve discussed thus far and stress the importance of their relationship and its evolution. ENM clients have told me that increased honesty between them and their partner has led to greater intimacy and connection in their relationships.
- Actively Listen
It is essential to establish a safe environment conducive to fruitful communication that you avoid passing judgment on your partner, treat them kindly, and offer support no matter how strongly they react to what you say. You must be able to listen to actively and comprehend the ideas and emotions of your partner because this will assist you in truly understanding (or wanting to understand) what they require from you. Active listening entails concentrating on what the other person is saying by doing the following:
demonstrating through verbal and non-verbal communication that you are interested in what they have to say,
Ensure that you have understood them clearly by summarizing or paraphrasing what they have said, and allowing them to say what they need.
- Set aside the needs of the relationship and the needs of each party
It is important to remember that you and your partner are working collaboratively. Rather than against each other. In this and any forthcoming conversations. It is imperative for both parties to take into account each others needs and perspectives in order to arrive at the best decision for the relationship. By showing your partner that you are not solely focused on your own desires. The conversation is more likely to proceed smoothly. It is crucial to recognize that what may be beneficial for you as an individual may not necessarily align with what benefits the relationship.
- Do what you can to help your partner.
When discussing ENM with your partner its’ essential to give them space and time to process their thoughts and feelings. Its’ important to recognize that you may have more knowledge about ENM than your partner, which means you have a deeper understanding of your own needs and desires.
Showing kindness and empathy towards their need for reflection is crucial. Communicate your understanding of their need for time and suggest scheduling another conversation about the topic. Reiterate your commitment to the relationship and express a willingness to discuss it further in the near future. Its worth noting that many people hesitate to embrace ENM due to societal norms favoring monogamy as well as concerns regarding jealousy, possessiveness, neediness, and insecurities in romantic relationships.
Providing resources for your partner can help them better comprehend and process their own beliefs, thoughts, and emotions.
However its’ important to share these resources with the intention of fostering understanding rather than manipulating them into agreeing with an ENM relationship.
Forcing or pressuring your partner into a non monogamous dynamic will not result in an authentic experience of non monogamy.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
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Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have.
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Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
