In this post, we go over how to bring up ethical non-monogamy with your partner.
1. Why you want to inquire about non-monogamy matters
You might want to think twice before opening up if you want to solve relationship problems that you are otherwise unwilling to address.
Opening up a relationship casts a stadium-sized spotlight on it, highlighting unmet needs, unresolved arguments, and unaddressed insecurities. This might make any struggles or tension you’re already feeling worse.
Contrary to popular belief, happy and healthy relationships are the best for confiding in one another. The foundation of good communication and trust is crucial because it can lead to new relationship structures being explored during times of change and uncertainty.
2. If you resist, it will continue.
If you’ve been thinking about non-monogamy for a while but can’t bring yourself to bring it up with your partner, chances are you’re worried about the outcome.
If you avoid having an important conversation, both the desire and the fear will persist and grow louder. Avoiding difficult conversations creates a disconnect, which the other person often feels. Active communication is preferable to passive avoidance.
3. Beware of taking it home too soon.
A gentler approach to the topic than talking about opening up your current relationship and what that would entail practically is discussing the concept of non-monogamy.
Jumping right into talking about your current relationship structure can feel threatening or unstable, which makes your partner close off or become defensive. To start this discussion, mention a recent talk you heard, a blog post you read, or a blog post you wrote. Find another way to introduce the concept conceptually without making it about your relationship by watching a movie together that features a non-monogamous couple. This will help diffuse potential conflict and allow you to learn more about how your partner feels about open relationships.
4. Timing is extremely important.
Not just the time of day, but also how you and your partner are feeling at that moment. Before talking about more delicate subjects, H.A.L.T. should practice good communication skills. Common physical and emotional states that prevent productive interaction include hunger, rage, loneliness, and exhaustion.
Hungry:
An unbalanced emotional state can be brought on by hunger. People refer to their feelings as “hangry” or “hunxious.” On the other hand, food can relax our nervous system. Sharing a healthy snack 10 to 15 minutes before an important conversation can help create a calm, relaxed atmosphere by inducing the body’s rest and digest mode, even though excessive comfort eating isn’t a good habit.
Not all hunger is related to food. We also go through emotional hunger—desire for company desire for comfort a desire for approval. Starting a discussion about non-monogamy with a desire for attention, for instance, will frame it as a means of satisfying that need rather than a possibility for exploration. A smoother conversation will result from addressing unmet needs that prevent you from approaching a conversation with an open mind and good intentions.
Angry:
Fight is a fear response component of our intricate survival system and can manifest as anger. Once activated, most of our reasoning functions in the neocortex shut down. It will be difficult to address the necessary issues if you approach any conversation without the capacity to reason.
It is not a good idea to declare, “I want an open relationship,” after an argument. Take action to calm your nervous system if you’re feeling angry. This can be demonstrated by taking some downtime, walking, listening to music, or practicing self-care. If you can control the source of your rage before bringing up a potentially delicate subject, you’ll have a better chance of having a productive conversation.
Lonely:
Both a crowded place and a particular relationship can make us feel lonely. Being alone, physically or emotionally, is bad for the human spirit because we are pack creatures. You won’t be able to approach a topic objectively if you feel alone and isolated. Schedule some social time for meaningful connections with friends or family or spend quality time with your partner instead of broaching a difficult subject.
Tired:
Discussing potentially difficult topics late at night or after a long day is not a good idea. At 3 AM, neither the conversation nor any issues were resolved. Being tired affects one’s ability to listen, concentrate, reason, and maintain connections. Find a time that works for everyone to have this conversation. Depending on your schedule, a weekend after breakfast while you enjoy a cup of coffee or tea might be a better time to start this conversation. Similarly, keep an eye on yourself throughout the conversation and be ready to pause it if you or your partner become too worn out.
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