You will find that there are many fake dominants and submissives online who only claim to be kink-informed in order to get sexual favors out of others.
However, you’ll find that many fake submissives are not so much intentionally lying, but are instead confused about what submission is in the kink community.
Here are some ways to identify a fake submissive:
Asking To Be Your Sub w/o Knowing You
Chances are, this person is just looking for a fling. Or they think that a Dom/sub dynamic is something that is entered without any critical thinking and even knowing a person.
Personally, my experience is that the girls, who I never or barely talked to, that reached out to me saying they wanted to be dominated (after seeing I was a switch) were only looking for a rough night in bed.
At the time, I wasn’t opposed to a hook-up, but those that did happen almost never started with a conversation about kink dynamics.
Demanding Titles
There’s this sense that they are “topping from the bottom” by addressing you by a D-title without ever asking you what you prefer to go by.
They also insist that you refer to them a certain way—which is very, very assumptive and tells you how they view the kink community.
You can tell they have no concept of things like limits or consent because they speak to you as if a relationship is already there.
Which, looking back on, felt violating and kinda gross.
Selfishly Sexual Motivation
Instead of showing any interest in commonalities between your preferences, or getting to know your triggers and limits, they go straight for the jugular and insist on sexual acts.
Back in the day, I would know these would just be pretense for hook-ups and nothing more. But in retrospect, I realize now that these “subs” were really only out to get petty revenge on their boyfriends.
I was naive to believe they were in open relationships. But for most, we never met again—and never will.
Having No Limits
Everybody has limits. Someone who claims to not have limits is someone who is not experienced.
Many times, this person is looking to be the ideal submissive by claiming they “have no limits”.
I don’t think I’ve personally come across anyone who said this, except for one person and she was experienced. But the words she used were “you’re not gonna hurt me”.
It was a welcome invitation, and an honest one.
But if someone inexperienced said that to me and they lied their way into a scene with me… it would not have been pretty.
Emotionally Manipulated
Let’s be clear that this is not consensual.
This can include “helpful” behavior that you did not ask for as a means for a “covert contract” that you didn’t know or agree to.
That said, if this person is trying to use guilt or shame on you, they are being manipulative. This is toxic and they need to go.
Cut them out.
I promise, if you cut out everyone you know who inspires guilt and shame in you, your life and mental health will improve by three-fold.
Because this is victim mentality they are exhibiting lends itself to emotional and mental abuse. And since they can’t get out of false victimhood, you can expect a lot of passive aggression.
Nope.
This person is likely not just a fake sub, but they are also a fake person. Unacceptable.
Lack of Accountability Because They Are The Submissive
This is a twisted form of abusive victim-mentality where the fake sub does not take accountability for their actions because they are a submissive—
This is because, in their mind, a submissive or bottom is a powerless role. They’ve learned to thrive in so-called “powerless” roles.
But here’s the thing…
Submissives are not powerless!
If anything, they are more powerful than Dominants because they are the ones with the ultimate control.
They choose to give themselves over to Dominants and engage in acts that are mutual. And they can just as well choose to revoke their submission.
Back to the fake sub—
Watch what happens when you revoke your dynamic with them. See how well they deal with rejection.
If they are reacting with childish and explosive emotion, ask yourself if this adult is using their kink persona, or if they are genuinely this emotionally underdeveloped?
Doesn’t Respect Agreements
Either this person was never fully on-board to begin with, or they are very impulsive.
You can’t trust this human being either way.
People who are impulsive will always betray themselves, betray you, and let others down.
Allowing yourself to associate with this type of fake submissive will be very spiritually damaging, because they will make a promise, and then break it.
You can’t trust that they are sharing the reality you both agreed to, and the disappointment you get out of that will be very draining and maybe even traumatic.
Chances are, this person was thrilled to negotiate and establish rules for a moment of novelty, but their impulsivity demands them to break these same expectations for a higher thrill.
People who are impulsive have a high tendency to be shallow. Anything that looks pretty will entice them more than anything of depth and longevity.
Again, don’t expect accountability or getting your side of things fulfilled. This is what they are.
This is not a description for bratting.
Using Submission as Escapism
This is the submissive who essentially wants a Dominant to take care of them and not let them have to think or take care of themselves.
This toxic person is attempting to exploit a D/s dynamic by forming a non-mutual D/s relationship with someone.
I would see an inexperienced Dom finding themselves in this relationship where they are with a fake submissive who is pushing expectations that the Dom must take care of them entirely.
This is why having negotiations and being very clear and direct is important for all parties to give informed consent.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
