Having run this website for several years now, I know that most online advice is geared towards submissives. So for a change of pace, this article is geared towards giving Dominants a bit of training.
It’s weird how little Dom Training there is despite how much responsibility it takes to Dom. People forget that authority over anything, especially anyone, best be earned and maintained with skill and consistency.
This includes hard and soft skills, such as tone and presence. These are things that need to be worked on and developed. Even if you are a natural.
There is this idea that there are no “natural Dominants” or “natural submissives” and to a degree this is true. But people have personalities, and how these traits and/or traumas mix together can give people a natural inclination towards Dominant or submissive, healthy or unhealthy.
That said, you gotta work with what you got and improve on what you can.
You can listen to lectures on Dominance and watch lessons on DomSpeak in our DOM SUB 101 training here.
Why natural Dominants and natural submissives don’t exist
People who are extremely inexperienced in BDSM tend to put on a mask that they are the pinnacle of dominance or submission by pushing their own idea of peak dominance/submissiveness on someone they are trying to pursue.
They are also quick to judge if someone is “actually” a Dominant or submissive based on a surface-level interaction. In an everyday setting, this will look like the person is actively looking for a toxic relationship. (Hint: these people typically don’t have their head on straight)
Communication is how real BDSM dynamics are established. An inexperienced person will believe that a rEaL dOM/sUb will magically and automatically know what to do with them because those are “naturals”, the “real deal”.
Stupid. As if a stranger is going to give someone exactly what they want without even knowing the person.
The truth is that there are many terms that need to be communicated before any real (and self-respectful) power exchange can happen. One big example of this is whether the dynamic will include sex or not.
You must be a submissive for a Dominant before you can become one
I knew a Sir who was the slave of another Master for an entire year before he became a Sir himself.
To him, other many others, to fully understand the role of a submissive, or slave, you must be one first.
It wasn’t after he finished his training that he would be titled Sir by his corner of the Community and have 3+ of his own slaves at a time.
The message that got across to me was the importance of developing compassion for your submissive by knowing how it feels to be put in that position.
As someone who is more inclined towards fairness and ethics, this makes absolute sense to me.
However, people who aren’t as resilient, or can’t surrender control, or whatever, will feel deeply uncomfortable doing this.
It’s okay if you truly, genuinely, don’t like being a submissive. There’s no hard rule saying you have to these days. I get it. I imagine it’s the same reason why I hate rollercoasters.
Pathways to Dominant Training
Mentorship is valuable, but not easy to get. High-quality mentors are not going to have lots of time for you. You also want to be aware of predatory “mentors” who are only in it for the money or are too rigid to actually teach.
And you never want to get all your lessons from one source—that’s how you become an NPC. Instead you want to learn from various sources and advance those lessons by mixing them with your own experiences.
Multi-Day Retreats are very immersive and effective because they give you hands-on experience and peer feedback.
Conventions & Workshops are awesome because they are very skill-specific. Going to DomCon every year, you get to partake in so many skills training and seminars.
Self-Study includes finding resources online, like blogs such as this 🙂
Importance of Mental Health for Dominants
This can be easily explained by describing the difference between how a healthy person dominates and how an unhealthy person dominates.
| HEALTHY | UNHEALTHY |
|---|---|
| For growth, connection, and co-creation | Seeks control for self-worth issues and twisted self-soothing |
| Power with; collaborative and consensual | Power over; compensating insecurity |
| Regulates self-esteem and emotions well | Relies on dynamic to regulate emotions and self-esteem |
| Seeks intimacy, trust, and vulnerability | Struggles with vulnerability and over-identifies with Dom role to avoid it |
| Confident, considerate, ethical | Rigid, Overly Performative (hiding weakness), Destructive impulsivity |
| Builds trust and nurtures partner and their fantasies | Uses scenes to exert control and feel important |
| Reflects on motives, impacts, and consent | Lacks insight and avoids self-reflection due to shame or unresolved trauma |
| Prioritizes safety and aftercare needs | Forgets or dismisses safety or aftercare needs |
| Sees Dominance as a form of self-mastery and integrity | Uses Dominance as a mask to avoid dealing with inner pain |
Which would you want to be your Dominant?
Skill Competency for Dominants
Here is a list of skills you should learn and become competent in if you aim to be a great Dominant:
Impact & Sensation Play
- Flogging (single-tail, multi-tail, rhythm & range)
- Paddling (wood, leather, rubber)
- Caning (timing, precision, warm-up, layering)
- Spanking (manual techniques, hand fatigue management)
- Wax play (temperature control, skin safety)
- Temperature play (ice, fire, hot/cold contrast)
- Sensory deprivation (blindfolds, hoods, earmuffs)
- Knife play (psychological safety, blade etiquette)
Restraint & Physical Control
- Rope bondage (basic ties, safety shears, nerve awareness)
- Leather/metal restraints (fitting, escape planning)
- Tape bondage (safe removal techniques)
- Position training (kneeling, inspection, posture protocols)
- Collar training and rituals
Scene Management & Play Safety
- Scene negotiation (limits, safewords, intentions)
- Risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) vs. SSC (safe, sane, consensual)
- First aid & CPR (highly recommended)
- Emergency response planning
- Understanding of physical/mental contraindications
- Aftercare planning and execution
Role-Specific Play Styles
- Fear play & humiliation (with ethics and consent)
- High protocol training (service structures, etiquette)
- Pet play dynamics
- Age play caregiving (if appropriate)
- Brat taming dynamics
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
