Welcome to the D/s Aftercare Guide for BDsM.
Typically after finishing a scene, the Dominant and submissive can experience an intense endorphin rush high.
When this happens your partner is very vulnerable. It’s important that you nurture and comfort them as they come down from their high.
What does aftercare mean?
Aftercare is taking care of the emotional and physical well-being of your partner, typically at the end of a scene. You’re making sure they’re coming down from their endorphin high as smoothly as possible.
What is aftercare in D/s relationships?
In BDsM, there are Dominants and submissives (among other roles).
Dom Meaning: A Dom, or Dominant, is a “top” role played by someone who likes taking control.
In BDSM, the Dom gets pleasure out of exercising control over another person. This control can be expressed with strictness, kindness, or even cruelty, depending on what’s agreed upon.
Their dominance is meant to consensually deliver a satisfying experience/lifestyle for both “top” and “bottom” parties.
Generally, a “top” is someone who delivers an experience, and a “bottom” is someone who receives it.
Sub Meaning: A sub, or submissive, is a “bottom” role played by someone who likes being controlled.
In BDSM, the sub gets pleasure by submitting their will over to another person. The submissive role is typically service-oriented towards someone they trust their well-being with.
Their submission allows them to consensually surrender themselves to serve and receive an experience from the “top”.
Dominants and submissives will act out scenes (a kinky encounter) together, which typically gets the submissive an endorphin high.
During this high, the submissive is very vulnerable. A responsible Dom will take care that their sub receives adequate aftercare to make sure they don’t experience “subdrop”.
Why Aftercare is Important
Sometime after a scene, the Dom and/or sub may experience a “drop”.
Subdrop, or Topdrop, is essentially withdrawal from all the chemical goodness you experienced from the scene. This can feel like a hangover or temporary depression.
By receiving aftercare, you are less likely to experience the physical and emotional lows that accompany a “drop”.
This is because aftercare offers a sort of “grounding” that a person needs after experiencing the highs of a scene.
A person who experiences the grounding of aftercare will get the benefit of building trust and intimacy with their partner. As well as leave the scene with a positive mental state.
How to do aftercare – examples/ideas
The following is a list of things you can do for aftercare with your partner:
- Wrap your partner in blankets
- Cuddles, massages, and spooning
- Get water, snacks, candy
- Listen to soothing music
- Watching videos or movies
- Praise, reassurance, and feedback
- Orgasms
- Cleanup and aftercare kit
- Check-ins (via call/text post-play)
Simply ask what your partner would like. Everyone is different.
Here’s what I typically do with the girls I play with:
I bring out the extra blanket to cover both of us up and I make sure to ask how she’s feeling.
After she responds positively, I make sure to let her know that if anything does bother her to feel free to tell me.
(Preplay, during negotiations I’ve already established that communication is very important to me.)
After I compliment them for cooperating and what they did that I liked, I start chatting them up.
I’m always interested in what they have to say, and I have a habit of selling a person on themselves.
Eventually, I talk about my life and I bring the conversation to an ‘active imagination’ meditation.
I take her on this guided meditation, that she’s very interested in doing (they always are), and I discover her innermost thoughts and secrets.
The entire time I am guiding them through the meditation, I’m giving them back scratches, brushing my hand through their hair, maybe forehead kisses.
By the end of it, I’ve learned more about them and they’ve learned more about themselves.
After talking more and being nurturing and affectionate, however that may be, she then leaves.
The next day I check-in on them to make sure they’re okay.
And that’s it. I offer an interesting experience and keep things simple and clean at the end.
-FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS-
What does aftercare look like and consist of?
Aftercare looks like TLC; tender loving care.
Do Doms need aftercare?
Yes, Doms can need aftercare as much as subs.
What’s aftercare for Doms?
Typically the same kinds of aftercare a sub receives. Perhaps reassurance that they didn’t take things too far and they didn’t hurt anyone.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
