Here are some BDSM munch tips and etiquette:
- Find the Right Venue
Regardless of their level of experience or interest in BDSM, many kinksters are hesitant to enter dungeons where they might see strangers being beaten or having sex, or where they might be asked to play by someone they’ve just met.
Munches take place in ordinary, unremarkable settings. Your guests will be able to mingle with like-minded individuals without having to go all the way to the deep end of the pool.
Find a public space, such as a bar or restaurant, where you can host your munch. Because the point of the event is to have a conversation, you’ll want to stay away from places that are too loud. It shouldn’t be too quiet, though, because your guests won’t want to be overheard talking kink by people who aren’t part of the group.
- Consider a Themed Munch
Anyone interested in participating in the munch I host is welcome to come. Community organizers in my hometown of San Francisco, where the kink scene is well-established, host a variety of munches throughout the month that cater to specific age groups, genders, sexualities, BDSM roles, fetishes, and more.
Do you want to sell your munch to the general public or to people who are into bondage, spanking, leather, polyamory, or something similar? Perhaps you’d like to target millennials with your marketing? (In the kink scene, practitioners 35 and under are sometimes referred to as “The Next Generation.”) It can be difficult to find other BDSMers our age who share our interests. This problem is well-solved by NG munches.)
You set the tone for the group as the host of your munch. Consider who you want to reach out to and market your event accordingly.
- Make a decision about how often you’ll hold your munch.
If your munch is a regular occurrence, you’ll have an easier time attracting members and growing your community. I hold mine once a month, which seems to work well for our small group. If everyone is getting along and having a good time, your group might want to meet more frequently.
It takes time and effort to host a party. Determine how much time you can devote without becoming overwhelmed. Remember that munchies should be enjoyable and relaxing for you as well!
- Set a dress code that isn’t too formal.
Although we kinky types enjoy dressing up, a public non-kinky establishment isn’t the best place for your guests to arrive in fetish attire. If the staff and/or vanilla peeps at your venue are uncomfortable, your group will not be welcomed back.
When advertising the event, make it clear that street clothes are required. For my first few munches, I failed miserably, and once had a guest with a military role-playing fetish show up in Nazi garb. As you might expect, this made the other diners and restaurant patrons very uncomfortable.
- Give Some Basic Information About What a Munch Is
Newcomers to BDSM may be unfamiliar with what munches are or why we have them. This is why, when advertising your event, it’s critical to include a brief explanation. You don’t want people to come expecting a play party and then decide not to come because they’re nervous.
The following are the most important points to convey:
- There will be no time for fun. It’s simply an opportunity for kinksters to mingle and get to know one another.
- Munches are held in neutral public spaces to ensure that everyone feels safe and at ease.
- Munches are usually kept under wraps so that those who aren’t ‘out’ about their kinks can participate without fear of being discovered.
Be present and willing to assist newcomers.
It’s understandable that some people are nervous about attending a munch for the first time. From the outside, the BDSM world appears mysterious and intimidating, and meeting new people is intimidating in the first place.
When I announce my events on Fetlife, I always make it clear that readers are welcome to message me with questions. First-timers frequently contact me prior to the munch to express their anxiety, and I tell them that if it helps, they can sit next to me.
Small gestures like this can make a big difference in the lives of your new members. Doms and subs alike can be shy, and your kindness will be appreciated. So go ahead and be lovely!
- Keep an eye out for predators and be prepared to deal with them.
While the vast majority of your guests will be fantastic, you’re bound to get a few rotten apples here and there. These are typically toxic dom-types who use BDSM as an excuse to abuse others and are looking for willing victims. “I’ve always felt like women were made to kneel and serve me,” they say, and other similarly arrogant forms of word vomit.
Fear of being targeted by these individuals is one of the main reasons curious kinksters avoid the BDSM community. You don’t want these jerks bothering you or your other visitors. It is your responsibility as the organizer of your munch to call the shots and do everything possible to protect everyone who attends.
You’ll need to mentally define your boundaries, just like we do with our playmates, and have a plan in place for how to handle them if they’re pushed. If someone is making others uncomfortable as a result of inexperience or misunderstanding, be willing to take them aside and speak with them about it. If someone is purposefully behaving in a creepy manner and you receive complaints, you may have to evict the offender or ask them not to return. It’s a pity, it’s so sad!
And don’t let anyone tell you that your efforts to create a welcoming environment are futile. It’s your party, so make your own rules! If you keep the creeps at bay, the good and lovely munchers will be more likely to return and regard you as a reliable ally in the future.
- Include a few kink-related discussions if the mood allows.
While chatting about the weather with your munch is fine and dandy, it’s sometimes nice to focus the group discussion on something everyone is interested in – BDSM! Ask some witty questions to get people talking if your members seem comfortable with it and your chosen venue allows for some privacy.
Avoid subjects that will put people on edge, such as specific questions about their fetishes or other personal information they may not want to share. Concentrate on general topics such as BDSM in popular culture, BDSM as a spiritual practice, BDSM science, or anything else that interests you. Chatting with your hungry guests can teach you a lot about yourself and your kink.
- Take the Long Way Home
If you’re doing everything right, your guests may regard you as a mentor or role model, whether you like it or not. While you don’t have to be perfect, try to lead by example when it comes to BDSM. Become an advocate for sex positivity and enthusiastic consent. Always respect other people’s boundaries and express your feelings respectfully when yours are being pushed. Recognize the unique challenges that doms and subs face, and be prepared to offer sound advice when your members run into problems.
If you don’t follow through on your promises, your guests will lose faith in you and stop attending your events, which would be a real shame.
Munch Etiquette
The first thing people are told when they ask how to get into kink or how to learn is to “go to a munch!” Munches are an excellent first step, but they can be intimidating if you don’t know what to expect or how to behave.
If it’s a regular Munch, it’s pretty much Open Topic; regular Munches can take place anywhere a group of Kinksters is willing to meet up and talk about BDSM and other adult topics.
Newbie Munches is a much more informative, concise meeting with no real Open Topic because it is an informational meeting about how to navigate a BDSM Dungeon. There may be a strict schedule of topics and time constraints in place. The Munch could also include a Q&A segment.
At a Munch, nothing Kinky ever happens, but discussions of previous Scenes and the creation of new Scenes are possible. However, no actual BDSM Scenes (or Scene-ing) are performed. Even though there is nothing shady going on, Munch participants must be at least 18 years old.
Regardless of whether you use a beginner Munch or a standard Munch, the message should always be the same: Consent is for everyone 18 and over!
Unfortunately, most of the Vancouver Dungeons require that you be at least 19 years old (we know, we didn’t set the regulations…).
Inquire with the Munch Host if you have any questions about the rules or etiquette at a Munch. These proposals should be recited by them.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
