In this post, we’re going over some BDSM negotiation basics and tips.
NOTE: This post is written by Anastasia. There may be cultural differences in the kink community between where she lives and those who live in the United States.
You can find in-depth information on Negotiation in the audio lesson titled ” Safety, Red Flags & Party Protocol” found here.
Let’s say you’re feeling frisky and want to play or have sex with your partner. In the back of your mind, do you hold any stereotypical assumptions in how they would react? For example, are you going to make a demanding approach and expect them to behave more passively, or vice versa?
Think about what your motivations are when you pursue your partner:
- Is this solely for sexual release?
- Are you doing this to form a bond?
- Is it some mix of the two?
- Are you feeling bored?
- Is this escapism from uncomfortable feelings?
Depending on your motivation, you can actually get more clear with your partner, and yourself, about the experience you want to have together.
If your partner is the one coming up to you and telling you what they want out of this experience and where this need is coming from, based on their inner emotional landscape, pay attention to your own body and mind’s instinctive response to their request.
Is your body or mind “turned on” by what they want? Are you not “ready” while your partner is? Do you internally feel no resonance and are plainly “not interested” in what they want?
Pay attention to these things, and maybe make an effort in seeing what parts of yourself would find the proposed experience attractive. What about the experience that your partner wants could get you aroused?
BDSM Negotiation Basics & Tips
Now we are going to show you some tips that will help you negotiate with your partner:
1. Approaching Your Partner
Give your spouse advance notice of what you want to discuss. Allowing him/her time to consider the situation is critical. Of course, you’ve given it some consideration, and possibly a lot of it.
2. Expressing What You Want
For you and your partner to express what you want, you both have to get real and vulnerable with each other. Vulnerability demands maturity, meaning that you both have to be willing to accept the differences and preferences you both have.
It’s important to lay out the interests and issues you might have to your partner. Here is a list of talking points for you both to go over:
- Both must be able to communicate your personal point of view
- You should both understand why you desire a particular preference to some degree
- Each must be able to fully monologue their preference to the other without interruption for thorough listening and understanding, without judgment
- You both must be aware of any disguised motives
- Any feelings of nervousness or bitterness must be talked about and worked through
3. Be Proactive in Negotiating Your Sexual Relationship
Making a genuine attempt to build a satisfying intimate bond demands a lot of self-reflection. Both people must have a level of self-awareness that will allow a sincere connection to be formed.
Here is a list of some topics you may want to discuss with your partner:
- How do you like to learn about sex?
- What role does sex have in your life?
- Talk about any traumatic sexual encounters, if comfortable enough
- Do you have any bodily insecurities or phobias?
- Favorite sex positions, types of play, etc
- How frequent do you like to play or have sex?
- Thoughts on masturbating?
- Favorite ways or places to have sex?
- Thoughts on watching porn together?
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
