Are you looking for a Dom/sub guide for beginners? If so, you came to the right place!
What is a Dom/sub relationship?
A Dom/sub relationship is a consensual, power dynamic between “Dom” and “sub”.
This dynamic can either be roleplay or role-based, which we’ll go over in just a moment.
Some of you are probably wondering, “What is a Dom and sub?”
Dom and sub Definition
Dom Meaning: A Dom, or Dominant, is a “top” role played by someone who likes taking control. In BDSM, the Dom gets pleasure out of exercising control over another person. This control can be expressed with strictness, kindness, or even cruelty, depending on what’s agreed upon. Their dominance is meant to consensually deliver a satisfying experience/lifestyle for both “top” and “bottom” parties.
Generally, a “top” is someone who delivers an experience, and a “bottom” is someone who receives it.
Sub Meaning: A sub, or submissive, is a “bottom” role played by someone who likes being controlled. In BDSM, the sub gets pleasure by submitting their will over to another person. The submissive role is typically service-oriented towards someone they trust their well-being with. Their submission allows them to consensually surrender themselves to serve and receive an experience from the “top”.
In role-based relationships, both the Dom and sub are acting in each other’s best interests.
However, this assumes you know what a good Dom and good sub looks like.
Dom/sub Characteristics & Differences
A quality Dom has the following traits:
Self-Control. A Dominant must be able to exercise control on oneself before given control over others. Someone with self-control makes a fine leader who can guide physically, sexually, and behaviorally. Having moral values allows the dominant to correct, punish, and properly train a submissive.
Sensual. BDSM is an art of sensuality. Being a sensual person allows the Dominant to deliver a great experience to their submissive via both pain and pleasure. This includes giving an emotionally sensual experience too.
Self-Aware. A Dominant should be able to match their words with their actions. They know they are capable of making mistakes and have no issue owning up to them. They are comfortable with their sexuality and work to keep their inner lives under control.
Competent. A good Dominant will know their way around their toys. They also make sure you are in safe hands. You will not see a competent Dom be reckless to their submissive. And a Dominant will make sure the lines of communication are open.
Compassion. A Dominant understands that the submissive is surrendering themselves. Which is a great privilege. They must remember that their sub is only human, who is both an individual and worthy of forgiveness.
A quality sub has the following traits:
Attentive. You are devoted to serving your Dom and fulfilling their needs and desires. You also understand that how you present yourself is seen as a representation of your Dom.
Polite. You consent to having your Dominant take the lead. This can include: asking your Dom permission to leave their side, making sure you aren’t too forward with other people, expressing gratitude when your Dom grants you permissions, being very well-behaved in public, etc.
The main difference between the two is dominance and submission.
Dominance is being in control of another person while getting pleasure out of it. This can be expressed with kindness, strictness, or even cruelty, depending on what’s agreed upon. The point is to use dominance to deliver a satisfying experience for both parties.
Submission is allowing yourself to serve and be controlled by another person as a means of pleasure. You must make sure that you trust the person you are submitting yourself to, whether it be for a few hours, a few days, or for long-term.
You can learn more about sado masochistic desires here.
How long do Dom/sub relationships last?
When you play with someone in a scene, you establish a roleplay Dom/sub relationship. Which can last a short time, or even a few days.
Typically after the scene is over, you go back to “straight time”—where you’re released from any power dynamic.
However, there are some people who are into Domming/subbing as a lifestyle.
These people will typically sign a contract to establish the power dynamic for an agreed amount of time.
This can be for as long as the two parties are in a full-time relationship, otherwise known as Dom/sub living, which we’ll get into.
Essentially, a Dom/sub relationship is a label between people that can last for a few hours, days, or long-term.
What is Dom/sub Living? How does a Dom/sub relationship work?
A full-time Dom/sub relationship focuses on how each person helps develop and satisfy the other.
A submissive tends to contribute to the relationship by helping the Dom fulfill their needs and advance their goals. Meanwhile, a Dom is responsible for their sub’s well-being and development.
These Dom/sub relationships are more about maintaining the expectations that come with the power dynamic.
The strictness of the power dynamic is enforced by the Dom. For example:
- Short leash demands a tight formal role from their sub.
- Long leash is more lenient so long as the power dynamic is respected.
If a sub transgresses their Dom, the sub receives punishment. Because allowing someone else to inflict pain on you is the most blatant form of submission.
What’s important to consider, if you’re curious about Dom/sub living, is if you’re built for it.
A sub genuinely has to like being of service to the Dom. Likewise, the Dom must have competency, a strong moral code, a willingness to punish, and trustworthiness.
Find out if you’re a Dom, sub or Switch here.
