Are you wondering about Dom sub psychology in the kink community? Are you asking yourself if Dom sub relationships are healthy?
Before I tell you the answer, I want to make something very clear: The BDSM community is not full of people with mental health issues.
Society has brought up people to believe that anything that isn’t “vanilla” is a sign of a psychological disorder.
This could not be further from the truth.
For example, society assumes a Dom is some sort of selfish, abusive, psychopath. Meanwhile, people assume a sub has extreme codependency issues.
Because of these assumptions, people brush off Dom/sub relationships as delusional.
These people are making judgments based on their own biases. Believing that if they wouldn’t do it, others wouldn’t want to either.
There is also a fear that justifying these kinky relationships would lead to forcing nonconsensual people into doing it as well.
However, the principle of consent is HUGE in the BDSM community.
Are Dom sub Relationships Healthy?
Yes, based on research done in analytical psychology. Everyone has a side of themselves that is cut-off from their conscious persona. When this repressed side of a person doesn’t have a way to express itself, it shows up in the form of dysfunctional relationships, poor mental/physical health, etc.
Although BDSM isn’t for everyone, it can be considered healthy for those who consent to it.
How Sado masochism is Shadow Work, or more specifically, “Shadow Play”.
In Jungian Psychology, healthy expression of sadomasochism is honoring your inner shadow.
Everyone has a repressed aspect of themselves that can’t be nurtured intellectually. Much of this is sexual and sensual repression that can be helped through practice.
Pain is proven to reach into a person’s unconscious to help them achieve altered states. This is similar to why monks will flog themselves to self-inflict pain and humility.
A Sadist is someone who takes pleasure in inflicting pain.
For many people, sadism is an “acquired taste”. Meaning most people that perform sadism in the kink community aren’t crazies like most people might assume.
A Masochist is someone who takes pleasure in receiving pain.
People enjoy the endorphin rush they get when their bodies have been stimulated.
Practicing sado masochism, or “Shadow Play”, is a way to express unconscious tensions in a conscious way.
As opposed to being expressed in unconscious, dysfunctional ways. This is most notable in people who are very passive or very belligerent and aren’t self-aware of it.
My Personal Goals in the Scene
Personally, I’m not interested in long-term Dom sub relationships.
However, I am interested in experiencing the Dom/sub dynamic, specifically sado masochism.
Before getting into the BDSM community, I had done lots of research in Jungian Psychology. Most specifically “shadow work“.
As I got deeper into my research, I discovered that one of the best ways of expressing one’s inherent, sado-masochistic desires is through “shadow play”.
You will notice me use the term “Shadow Play” to refer to BDSM, Kink, and activities of that nature.
Although many people join the Scene for sexual reasons, my personal goals are much more emotional, psychological, and sensual:
1) Tapping into my aggression
Within every masochist, there is a sadist. And vice versa.
In my personal life, I struggle to express aggression and I see no satisfying place to express it in my personal life.
BDSM allows me to tap into my aggression in a sensual, sexual, and consensual way.
2) Developing more love and respect for women
Everyone has an image of their opposite sex engraved deep within their psyche.
Part of life, and maturing, is developing this image until we fully understand it and realize how much of it we constantly project.
As a man, I can say that women really have been seen as “inferior” in our society. Generations before me, including myself, have been brought up in a sexist system.
As future generations awaken, this sexism will continue to erode.
The more I study psychology and spirituality, the more I realize that “gender identities” are truly constructs.
All of us have an “inner woman” and “inner man” within us, or something resembling that.
We as a society have learned to project ideal “man” and “woman” images, along with the presupposed expectations, onto people based on their “assigned” sex.
Regardless, my goal is to develop my “anima”, or woman image. Both to respect and love.
As this image matures in your psyche, you become more whole as well. Because you are taking back your projections.
By that same note, you are allowing the other sex to be who they truly are as an individual.
3) Getting in touch with my body
I tend to lose myself in my thoughts. You can probably get that by the way I’ve been writing.
The pain I consent to in BDSM allows me to get back in touch with my body.
Unlike sex, where you might let your mind drift elsewhere, getting hit in a scene isn’t so easy to ignore.
The endorphin rush, the cooldown, and even the after-effects can help a person get back in touch with their body.
I can’t tell you how many years I’ve lost due to my mind drifting off miles from where I stand.
Read about my flogging experience here.
Want to learn shadow work?
Here are some resources I recommend:
Shadow Work Course is based on my in-depth research and personal experiences with shadow work, projection, sadomasochism, inner child healing, triggers, and all things shadow. Learn more here.
A Light Among Shadows is a guide on self-love and being. This short course goes over topics such as consciousness, spirituality, philosophy, and makes sense of why people are the way they are. Recommended for people dealing with resentment and self-hate. Learn more here.
Shadow Work Journal: 240 Daily Shadow Work Prompts contains inner work related to relationships, anger, anxiety, self-love, healing trauma, abandonment issues, depression, forgiveness, etc.
