In this post, we go over ways you can manage and balance your kinky life with your day-to-day.
Feel free to skip forward, but I want to quickly talk about something—
To preface, let’s make sure you understand the difference between escapism and reality.
Escapism is indulging in fantasy while getting away from the real world. Everyone needs a bit of escapism. Some find it in videogames, Netflix, social media, The Scene, etc.
Escapism is meant to be done in moderation. When there is too much, you are dealing with immaturity—an issue or inability to deal with Reality.
Maturity is the ability to acknowledge and recognize Reality; dealing with your responsibilities, while also letting other people deal with their own.
The goal is to incorporate a healthy level of escapism into your life as an outlet, while still retaining the maturity you need to live a life, touch grass, and develop yourself within Reality.
Thus, we come to the topic of today’s post:
How to Balance Your Kinky Life (Types of Dynamics)
Considering that everyone has their own kinks and lifestyles, everyone will have a different approach and way of balancing their life that works best for them.
That said, here are some of the dynamics you might have as part of your kinky life:
| Kink Lifestyle Dynamics | Description |
|---|---|
| Vanilla w/ Sprinkles | Mostly vanilla with some kinky sprinkle and spice. May not be as into kink overall, but enjoys some forms of play in the bedroom. May have shame or be closeted about their kinks. |
| Business in the Front, Party in the Back | Vanilla presenting at work, in public, and with friends or family. More kink-expressive at home and in appropriate environments and contexts with certain people. This binary approach has strong physical and environmental boundaries for firm lifestyle balance. |
| Blended Lifestyle | Less binary and more willing and open to holding kink as part of their identity regardless of setting or present company. People know they are part of the lifestyle, but they are not offensive or obnoxious about it. Demands strong internal boundaries, maturity, and ethics for firm lifestyle balance that is consciously appropriate to not violate other people’s consent. |
| Total Power Exchange (TPE) | A 24/7 dynamic where a Master is in control of a slave and the slave is controlled by a Master. This dynamic is both very strict and very freeing depending on the roles. It can still have its own limitations that are unique between partners involved. |
The lifestyle dynamics described above are the most basic types and can exist on a spectrum.
Remember: All relationships are different and unique because all people are different and unique.
This means that you need to make a plan with your partner(s) and how your lifestyle will work.
Make sure you communicate with your partner, but also consult with yourself and make sure you have your “inner consent”.
Inner Consent is a “knowing” or intuition that allows you to live your life authentically.
You can tell you are going against your inner consent, for example, when someone asks you to sign a document as a favor and you go “uhh…hmm..I…uhh”
This is called “feeling unsure” and it’s your mind and/or body—
AKA Your Being—literally telling you to say “No”.
A lot of people have been taught to ignore their authenticity and inner consent.
That’s unacceptable.
Especially in a community that values:
Safety, Sanity, and Consent above all else.
If you consult yourself and always follow your inner consent, then you’ll find your flow in life and naturally find a balance in the escapism that is The Lifestyle with the maturity you need to deal with the Reality of your situation and life.
Some people, however, are very traumatized and have broken instincts. So getting in touch with their inner consent is difficult.
In cases like that, you need to be absolutely sure you find a trustworthy partner who encourages your healing, your growth, and getting in touch with your authentic self.
Tips for Managing Your Kinky Lifestyle
- Take your vetting very seriously
- Make a plan and manage your time carefully
- Write down rules, regulations, and strict boundaries for yourself
- Boundaries mean that you leave or have real actionable consequences when they are violated
- Turn off distractions when you are in kink mode or non-kink mode
- Understand that your biggest distractions from focusing on your life will be other people
- Have personal goals and aspirations—this will help pull you out of fantasy escapism outlets and can also be used to pull you in when you feel is right
- Have a support group, a safe circle of people who accept you and genuinely want the best for you
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
