It’s very important that you learn how to spot a fake dom.
What are fake Doms?
Fake doms are people who are inexperienced and don’t know what it means to be a Dominant.
This is a real problem because many men who hear about D/s dynamics are only interested in it for purely selfish reasons.
As a result, they cause a lot of damage to people who don’t know any better.
In my experience, most inexperienced men assume that they are Dominants. While many inexperienced women prefer to be submissives.
These ignorant and inexperienced Dominants find inexperienced submissives who don’t understand consent and end up abusing them.
Abuse is absolutely unacceptable and I will not stand for it. So I’ve put together a list of fake dom warning signs and red flags.
How to Spot a Fake Dom: Warning Signs & Red Flags
Doesn’t know terminology or etiquette
A fake dom is usually ignorant of important concepts and etiquette within the community.
Don’t engage with someone who doesn’t know, or is willfully ignorant, of the following:
- Soft limits
- Hard limits
- Safewords
- Non-verbal safewords
- Aftercare
If they don’t “believe in” or respect anything mentioned above, then you are not talking to a Dom. You are talking to a predator.
Refusing to acknowledge your limits and safewords is evidence that the person doesn’t respect you as an individual human being.
New and inexperienced
To be fair, just because a person is inexperienced doesn’t mean they’d be a bad Dom.
Everyone has to start somewhere and the beginning is really about building self-awareness.
For example, very early on when I was trying to get started I didn’t know what I was doing. The women I chatted with online would drill me with questions and I had to look up everything they were asking.
Although I genuinely didn’t see myself being a bottom, I don’t have the personality that would make it obvious that I’m a Top.
It took me a while to get anywhere. Because, although I was willing to learn, I was pretty clueless.
I didn’t know myself well enough and I didn’t know enough about the community.
Now I know better. Although I see myself as a switch, I’ve been referred to as a soft Dom. I am not compelled to control others, but I’m a firm guide and I want what’s best for you. My politeness matches my assertiveness.
Things didn’t really pick up until I went to a dungeon and had a few pros teach me a few things.
From there I started getting toys, playing with girls, and I got a solid direction for myself.
NOTE: It’s every person’s right to decide whether they play with someone new or experienced. I suggest being completely honest about your level of experience.
Doesn’t have their own life handled
This reveals a person’s self-control and competency in life.
If you can’t get ahold of your own life, how can you expect to handle to demands of another person’s life?
Everyone I know who is deep in the lifestyle, and is polyamorous, is in their thirties and onward. They are all established enough to live the lifestyle full-time.
As for myself, I’m in my mid-twenties. I have a small shadow work coaching business and I’m still fairly early in my tech career.
I am not as established. However, I still meet and play with people and I currently have an open part-time D/s relationship.
Depending on how established a Dom is, your mileage may vary.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- Does this person seem capable and competent in their own lives?
- Can this person be trusted and make me feel secure?
- Are we compatible in our kinks and preferences?
- Are we capable of fulfilling each other’s desired expectations?
Too forward with titles, sex, etc.
The first conversation I’ve ever had with a self-proclaimed Dom online was very unpleasant.
She immediately referred to herself as a Dom and challenged my role as a switch.
First, she attacked my ability to Dom by being very abrasive and demeaning in the conversation.
Then she got frustrated by my unwillingness to consent to her very rude and arbitrary demands.
Each message just felt like a challenge and was very disrespectful.
If you’re new and you come across this, don’t put up with it.
A real Dom has a semblance of grace/competency when they’re vetting someone.
If the person you’re talking to is quick to bring up the following, there’s a good chance they’re not a real Dom:
- Quick to bring up sex (or sends nudes)
- Demands you to address them by a title
- Addresses you by a pet name
- Starts issuing demands at you
- Disregards your preferences (you feel unheard)
Lacks integrity and has abusive/toxic traits
“You’re not a real sub! If you were a real sub, you would…”
Anyone who tries to guilt or shame you into doing what they want is toxic.
This applies to life, not just BDsM.
Someone who doesn’t respect your consent, boundaries, safewords, limits, is not a real Dom.
Someone who threatens you for not submitting to them is not a real Dom.
These are the worst types of people and you mustn’t let this toxicity into your life.
They don’t understand that these relationships are meant to be mutually fulfilling. And the blatant lack of compassion and self-awareness can mean they never will.
Here is a list of abusive traits:
- Threatening
- Manipulative
- Guilting
- Disrespectful
- Dismissive
- Deceiving
- Irresponsible
- Unaccountable
- Unreliable
- Overbearing
and so on.
Note: This assumes the qualities expressed are not consensual.
Here is an exercise I tell all of my shadow work course students to do to keep toxic people out of their lives:
After spending time with a person, ask yourself—
How does this person leave me feeling about myself?
If this person leaves you feeling bad about yourself, remove them from your life.
If this person leaves you feeling bad about humanity or the world in general, remove them from your life.
Your intuition is firing off
Pay attention to your gut feeling!
Answer the following questions and pay attention to what you’re instincts are telling you:
- Can you have a straightforward conversation about their time in the Scene?
- Do they fully acknowledge your limits, preferences, triggers, aftercare, needs, and expectations?
- Are you feeling confident that they fully listened during negotiations?
- Do you feel that there will be no negative consequence for saying “red” if needed?
If something feels “off” or wrong—trust your instincts and pass on this person.
Learn the traits and qualities of a real Dom here.
Check out the submissive’s Guide to Surrender & Submission.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
