Here is a quick post on how to write BDSM by my friend Anastasia. She’s one of the very few people I let write on this website who offers insight on the kink community from a perspective outside of the United States. Like myself, she’s also a writer (I’m sure if you pay attention, you can tell the difference between my own style [Rich] and Anastasia’s writing style). Without further ado:
How to write BDSM
The first thing to remember about BDSM is that it is simply another action that your characters will undertake; you cannot, at any time, run away from your characters’ character. They aren’t going to become erotic movie stars just because they are going to engage in more creative or different sexual activities. Even if they want to practice BDSM, if they are naturally shy, their personality will make them feel uncomfortable practicing, saying, or experiencing certain things. It should also be shown if they are more adventurous and laid-back people.
Make your characters more than just two inflatable dolls who are only interested in blood, pain, and pleasure. They’re people, too, and they’re affected by a variety of emotions—but we’ll get to that later.
Experience
Now lets move on to the next important aspect. It is crucial to consider and address the personalities and experience levels of the characters when crafting a BDSM scene. This helps your readers become attuned to their unique traits and backgrounds. Additionally. It is important to maintain consistency in portraying these characteristics throughout the scene. For instance it is quite normal for a submissive engaging in BDSM for the first time to experience feelings of nervousness or apprehension regarding potential harm.
Even if the character is a fire-in-the-tail submissive who is itching to be whipped, citing apprehension if it’s the first time makes the character more realistic. Of course, if your goal is to create a character who is as libertine as possible, who enjoys seeing his own skin bleed and is unconcerned about anything, you can do that as well.
This issue of experience is intertwined with the issue of personalities. I’ll give you some examples to help you understand.
Imagine that we have Harry, who will be our dominant and has a lot of experience, and Draco, who will be our submissive and has never done anything like this before. Despite this, Draco has a powerful personality and is proud, whereas Harry is gentler. Despite being in an “inferior” position, Draco, the submissive, would not be the type of character to remain silent while someone else does whatever they want with him in a BDSM practice between the two.
“But, aunt, wouldn’t full submission be the best idea?”
In theory, yes. Perhaps. However, I believe you’re working with characters that you want to be as real as possible. And real people still experience fear, pain, and outrage. And it is your characters, with their feelings and emotions, who shape your story, your actions, and your plot.
Wouldn’t it be boring to read something completely stereotyped?
Now let’s return to the example. While Draco would be outraged and arrogant, it would also be his first time practicing, and he would still be scared or nervous beneath the layer of pride. Harry’s kind and caring personality would still shine through, despite the fact that he’s already whipped a lot of people around.
Are you aware of the importance of creating a strong connection between your character and your reader? Merely having your character pick up a whip and whip. Unless it is a PWP. It is crucial to also evoke empathy and enable the reader to genuinely experience the emotions and actions of the story.
Confidence
This subject is intertwined with the other two, personality and experience.
Confidence, whether in oneself or in ones’ partner. Is a paramount quality that a persons’ character must embody. It necessitates having faith in oneself to make well informed decisions and having trust in ones’ partner to uphold their agreed upon boundaries. To illustrate this dynamic. Consider the relationship between a submissive and a dominant: the submissive must have confidence that their dominant will not inflict harm beyond their prearranged limits. While the dominant must have faith that their submissive will communicate if they veer into excessive territory.
This brings us to a sidebar: Words that are safe to use.
These are predetermined terms that the Submissive employs to communicate their level of comfort with the “game” at hand. They can indicate varying levels of discomfort and consent. Or a desire to immediately halt the activity. There is a wide range of options available for you to choose from. With a current trend being the use of colors to represent different scenarios that align with your characters’ situation.
Returning to the interplay of confidence, personality, and experience, consider the following scenario:
Scorpius the Submissive has a lot of BDSM experience and is very confident in himself and his abilities, as well as being a cheeky character. Albus the Dominant, on the other hand, is inexperienced and fearful of injuring his sub, but he is a nice guy. In a BDSM practice between these two, it would be natural for Albus not to go as far as he would like to try harder games with Scorpius, even if he was excited by the prospect. It would be up to Scorpius, the most self-assured of the group, to persuade or prove to Albus that he was free to go.
Emotions and Feelings
The intricate web of human emotions extends its influence over diverse realms like confidence, personality traits, and individual histories. In the realm of committed relationships or marriages where regular engagement in certain activities takes place between partners; an enhanced sense of trust builds alongside shared experiences. As a result, motivations surpass pure pleasure; embodying profound expressions of affectionate love strengthened connections instead.
This is another aspect that should be addressed in cases where the characters have feelings for each other, detailing how and what the characters feel when practicing BDSM. You can also approach that perspective if the feelings are only one-sided.
Situations/Practice/Limits
It’s essential to maintain a deep respect for the limitations individuals have when exploring BDSM. Similar to everyone else, people engaging in this practice possess their own boundaries and preferences. Thus, indulging in acts like severing body parts and assuming unequivocal enjoyment is inappropriate or realistic (and hopefully not something endorsed by readers). As stated earlier, my knowledge about BDSM stems purely from research rather than personal encounters.
Consider what would happen if your character muzzled someone. So far, everything has gone well. However, you must make it clear that the dominant left the other person’s nose uncovered so that they could breathe, okay? It’s also crucial that your Dominant is concerned if she does something that makes it difficult for her to breathe through her nose (such as doing a blowjob).
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
