You always want to keep an eye out for red flags in your relationships.
Red flags are essentially any signs that could indicate a person that has a tendency to express and bring out any unhealthy relationship dynamics.
What you’ll notice about these types of “red flag” people is that they’ll try to impose a “script” on you that gives you in a particular role in their life.
Here are some common dynamics that “red flag” people tend to carry out:
4 Red Flag Dynamics in Kink
1) Look what you made me do
This is when a Dom/Top punishes their partner, not because of negotiated behavior, but as a means to guilt and shame a sub/bottom for their own mistakes or emotions.
“You upset me, so I had to punish you”
By punishing the bottom for a reason outside of the bottom’s control, the Top can feel justified and powerful without any accountability for their cruel actions.
This goes even further when the sub takes on the guilt and tries to appease the red flag partner instead of asserting their boundaries.
2) Victim-Rescuer
This is where a submissive repeatedly weaponizes an emotional or logistical crises to get their partner to fix their problem.
“I can’t play with someone else unless you give me aftercare”
The sub is reinforcing their dependency by weaponized incompetence (artificial helplessness).
Although the Dom gets to feel needed, they also feel drained and eventually resentful.
3) You’re not a real Dom/sub
This is where one person tries to provoke the other into defending their dominance, experience, and credibility.
” A real Dom wouldn’t ask for consent every time”
“A real sub would take it for their Dom”
The instigator pretends to have moral authority by framing their manipulation as a test of authenticity.
4) If you loved me…
One partner tries to coax the other into doing things they wouldn’t normally want to do.
“If you really cared about what we have, you’d let me do whatever you want without limits”
This is emotional coercion disguised as intimacy.
An equivalent in immature relationships is when a boyfriend convinces a girlfriend, who is not ready for sex, that having intercourse is how he expresses and feels love (as if there isn’t any other possible way).
Do you notice a common theme among all of these unhealthy dynamics? The immature person who can’t handle their own uncomfortable emotions is forcing their emotional labor onto the partner. This way you have to deal with it and not themselves.
The scripts they impose allow for them to force their dysregulation onto others as the means soothe themselves. This emotional labor is not your responsibility, it’s theirs. But they’ll find discrete ways to make you feel otherwise.
Remember this—
If you feel like you don’t have a choice, are you really choosing?
Say no. Walk away.
5 More Red Flags in the Kink Community
1) Old Guard Stubbornness
Old Guard is an aged lifestyle and system in BDSM dynamics that is structured on tradition, protocol, and hierarchy.
This is in regards to people who haven’t changed with the times. Which, if that’s the case, there’s simply a difference in values and the relationship isn’t going to work. Find someone better suited for you.
Keep in mind that New Guard has been built on top of the traditions of Old Guard. So it’s ridiculous to think either don’t deserve their space in the community.
2) Waiting years for your turn in your dynamic…
But it never comes.
I’m a believer that you know a person well enough after a span of six months.
If this person has made a promise to let you experiment or switch roles and they haven’t done so within six months, then they likely aren’t the type to keep their word.
Usually within six months of knowing someone, you’ll get an idea of whether they are responsible, reliable, and follow through with promises. I say that because these three qualities are all actually the same personality trait.
Some personalities have it, some personalities don’t.
Do you want a partner who does not follow through on their promises? No? Then what’s the consequence of that?
3) I can play with others, you can’t
This is the quintessential issue with open relationships where one person wanted it and the other was hoping it would strengthen their bond.
From outside, looking into vanilla relationships, people need to understand that monogamy is very much a preference. If you are the type to always cheat on your partner, you aren’t built for monogamy or even traditional marriage. There’s nothing wrong with that, you just need to accept who you are or else more people will get hurt.
This can also play out as a jealousy issue that’s increasingly worse the more immature the selfish partner is. You can be okay with an open relationship, but if there’s no communication and you feel exploited in the situation, then chances are that this person isn’t very ethical or healthy.
4) Involving non-participants into their kink
Maybe not a red flag, but it is something you’d expect from a newer person or someone who is assuming that everyone present is part of the play.
This can be a bit of a grey area depending on context, because if observers are allowed and there are a lot of different forms of play going on, are you intruding in their space or are they accidentally violating you?
Examples could be:
- A pet player sniffing and putting their face on your butt
- Baby/little asking for “up up”
- Someone you don’t know touching you inappropriately and without invitation
Meanwhile, you’re only helping and observing to help a friend with setup, even though its not your thing. Again, grey area, I think.
5) Lack of communication
If you have trauma tied to your limits, it helps to mention that during negotiations.
This doesn’t mean you are trauma dumping to someone you don’t know very well. But there’s nothing wrong with saying “I do have a limit on X and I’m letting you know because I can have a bad trauma response to that and I’m sure neither of us want to ruin a good time”.
You can also just be very stern about the limit, which should honestly be enough. But I find that some slightly below-the-surface sincerity can help others better humanize you.
6) No respect for safe words or safety in general
Someone who isn’t considerate about another person’s safety is not a healthy person to be around.
You always want to have a partner who respects safe words or safe actions in case anything goes wrong.
This is why you always want to take the time to vet your potential partners.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
