In this post, we’ll be going over questions to ask a potential submissive and some things to consider while vetting.
Vetting a potential submissive isn’t that different than first meeting and dating someone who is vanilla.
You want to feel the person out and determine how much integrity and emotional maturity they have.
What is their temperament? Do they have scene knowledge? Personally, do you like them as a person? Do they like you as a person?
Ask about their concerns. What are their kinks? Are you kink compatible?
Get more insight: Questions for Vetting a Potential Dominant.
Vetting & Questions to Ask a Potential submissive
A Sir I know has a polyamorous relationship with four submissives.
One of his girls was telling me about a young woman brought to Sir so she could be a sub.
After getting vetted, Sir decided that she wouldn’t be a good match. So he turned her away.
Here are some things he considers when vetting a potential sub:
- They have community knowledge
Which kinks are you into?
What are your limits and your triggers?
What are your aftercare needs?
These are some basic questions to ask anyone in the scene.
Take note if they are too enthusiastic about having a Dominant. Which can be a sign of naivete and immaturity.
The potential sub understands that having a D-type doesn’t mean relinquishing their own desires. They have enough self-awareness to know what they want and need, as well as their limits.
You can trust them to say their safewords, and they know they can always feel safe with you using those safewords.
- Relationship Compatibility
Clear and open communication is crucial. You don’t simply vet them on kinks, but you also get to know each other on a personal level.
You are vetting for a sort of partner. This means you should both be able to get on similar “wavelengths” and get along with each other.
Have some matching interests that are outside of just kink. You should be compatible as friends as well.
- Are they good for the other partners
Sir’s submissives brought him a girl that they wanted to include in their poly relationship.
But over time, he believed that she would be a bad influence over the girls.
A Dom has a responsibility towards his submissives. This vetting process is a way to uphold this responsibility.
As part of a commitment to his bond with his submissives, he wants to make sure anyone new will bring more into their relationship. Not only take from it.
There are certain things you may have that are non-negotiable. If you can’t see eye-to-eye are these matters, it’s best to turn them away.
- Can they manage themselves
It’s not uncommon to find subs looking for someone who will “adult” for them.
If this potential sub can’t pay their bills, take care of their responsibilities, clean their home, etc., you may need to reconsider this person.
Any good relationship is one all people involved can grow from. But someone who can’t manage themselves at all and is looking to be babied (non-kink related) might be more of a hindrance than you think.
This leads into the next point—
- A Question to Ask Yourself: Am I Good For Her?
What do you get from your submission to me?
This question gives you insight into their perspective on submission.
Check out: Submissive Guide to Surrender & Submission
A good Master is willing to let a sub go when they know they aren’t good for you. If a Dom sees your life is falling apart, he must be willing to order you to take care of your own house before he can accept you into his dynamic in good spirit.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
