In this post, we briefly go over what is fear play in BDSM.
Many submissives enjoy experiencing fear during BDSM. They experience a rush of anticipation, intensity, and suspense, similar to what others experience when skydiving or watching horror movies.
When shared in a controlled environment with a Dom we admire, a sexual experience that feels dangerous but not to the point of hurting or traumatizing us can be a thrilling adventure. Sharing such an emotional journey can help to strengthen affection and trust.
What is fear play in BDSM
As exciting as this type of play can be for some, it can be challenging for Doms to execute.
Fear-driven BDSM is considered edge play by many kinksters due to the psychological risks it entails.
Genuine fear of one’s partner is a sign of an abusive relationship, and models should always be cautious not to cross certain lines to avoid venturing into this territory. You must strike a balance so that the dynamic remains enjoyable and fulfilling.
1) The Goal
If you’re playing the role of the Dom and your partner enjoys being scared during bondage play, make sure he doesn’t become terrified of you as an individual.
There’s a big difference between being afraid of getting spanked and being afraid of the person administering it.
You are in charge of whatever experience you lead, but your overall presence should be positive. Doms should always be present, attentive, knowledgeable, adaptable, and comforting to their submissives.
Your partner should never be concerned that you will cross their boundaries or disregard their safe word. He also needs to trust that you know what you’re doing and won’t end up seriously hurting or upsetting him.
2) Trust Is A Prerequisite, Not An Option!
To enjoy fear play, you and your partner need a strong foundation of trust.
You should try this with someone you already know rather than a new play partner.
People frequently use phrases like “BDSM requires trust” to describe what makes the kink so beautiful and intimate.
However, in the community, it frequently translates from people playing for the first time to “BDSM requires trust and we’re okay with it, so it must mean we trust each other, doesn’t it?”
No. That is not how it works.
It’s impossible to truly trust someone if you don’t know them or have never played together.
Keeping this in mind and taking your time can mean the difference between having a good time and having a total disaster.
You may be dealing with a submissive partner who, despite being new to you, is so eager to play that he insists, “I have complete faith in you. I’m confident you understand what you’re doing. I’d like to be afraid of you.”
Even if you get a verbal green light and appear to have consent, postpone the scene until you get a better sense of each other.
Informed consent is the only genuine type of consent, and it is impossible to provide it until you have sufficient information about a person.
Bottom Line: Incorporating fear into scenes with new partners is not worth the risk for either party.
3) Negotiate Thoroughly And Communicate Openly
As a Dominant, you must keep track of what is and is not on your submissive’s menu.
This list will include his preferences (the activities he truly desires), his soft limits (the activities he is interested in and willing to try), and his hard limits (the activities he does not want to do).
This information must be gathered through open, honest, and pressure-free communication. To understand how your partner’s mind works, ask questions and listen to their responses.
Fear is a highly subjective experience; what frightens you may not frighten him, and vice versa.
If he has previously experienced trauma, it is critical to understand his triggers.
For example, could very well push a victim of sexual assault past the point of no return, ruining the experience.
Maintain desirable territory by focusing on your submissive desires and avoiding anything that does not suit them.
Remember that your submissive may not know what they will or will not like. Many people who have extreme fantasies believe they will enjoy a similar level of intensity in real life.
But sometimes it can either be too much during the experience or too much after the session ends.
If you’re unsure whether to give them what they’re asking for, ask them if they’re sure, check during play, and/or refuse to do that specific activity if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your emotions and desires are also important.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
