In this post, we go over the difference between BDSM vs abuse.
What is the Difference between BDSM vs Abuse?
BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. It is a form of role play that involves consensual activities in which one partner takes on a dominant role (Dom), and the other takes on a submissive role (sub).
Bondage is play involving any item used to restrain any part of a sub/slave’s body. Toy handcuffs, rope, fast release, and Velcro closure are the most widely used restraints.
Discipline is the actions taken by a Dominant to teach, train and prevent a submissive from acting in specific ways. Discipline does not typically include physical punishment.
Sadism is a source of pleasure that results from inflicting pain or humiliation or watching pain or humiliation inflicted on a submissive/slave.
Masochism is a source of sexual/mental/emotional gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual/mental/emotional gratification from being physically or emotionally affected.
BDSM is often misunderstood as being about abuse, but the reality is that it’s more about mutual trust and respect than anything else.
The activities in BDSM may look violent or frightening, but both partners must have carefully negotiated beforehand to create a safe space for them to explore their fantasies together.
The result is a profoundly intimate experience that can be incredibly liberating—and even healing—for those who participate.
BDSM requires consent by all parties involved, as it is based on mutual trust.
Consent is given before any activity begins.
If one partner feels uncomfortable or unsafe during the BDSM activity, they should communicate this to their partner(s).
Non-consensual acts are not tolerated and can lead to severe injury or death.
There is a significant distinction between kink and abuse, and being kinky does not require you to do anything you do not want to do.
Consent is essential in any and every sexual activity.
What is kink?
Kink is the term for unconventional sexual practices, and BDSM is considered kink.
Kink is “an umbrella term used to represent a wide range of sexual behaviors that are deemed uncommon or unorthodox,”. What constitutes “kinky” is heavily influenced by what vanilla people, or heteronormative folks, consider “normal.”
Crossdressing and experimenting with gender roles are typically deemed kinky in heteronormative environments, but that doesn’t mean that every nonbinary, trans, or gender-nonconforming person considers themselves a kinkster.
Kink may be quite gentle, sweet, and innocent at times. Kink may be anything you want it to be, and being kinky doesn’t mean you have to have sex to explore your interests.
What is consensual kink?
At its most basic level, “consensual kink” is similar to any other form of consensual sex: it’s an encounter that everyone is on board with.
A consenting kink encounter might look very different from how we perceive consensual vanilla sex since kink can entail power exchange, role-playing, or even experiencing unpleasant sensations.
When does kink turn into abuse?
BDSM always allows someone to say no, and the other person will always accept that decision. It is abusive if you utilize your safe word and your partner keeps going.
Abuse occurs when your partner refuses to allow you to set limits or ignores your boundaries in order to satisfy their own wishes.
And, because of some of the peculiarities of kink, certain things that appear to be perfectly normal on the surface might really feel like abuse.
Many individuals have observed that during a BDSM scene, participants frequently enter “subspace,” a state of inebriation or intoxication. When someone is in subspace, they are more sensitive to suggestions and less likely to make reasonable judgments about their own safety and well-being, making them incapable of renegotiating limits or consenting to anything new.
Changing the conditions of a scene while someone is in that state may not seem like a huge issue, but it can quickly turn a joyful, consensual encounter into one that feels violated and distressing later.
Kink can be exhilarating, scary, emotionally draining, and at times completely overpowering. However, it should always be voluntary, and everyone involved in a kink encounter should feel appreciated, supported, and secure in their own space.
It’s not kink without consent; it’s abuse. And just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean it’s okay to abuse you.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
