Negotiation is important when it comes to sex in kink play, especially when it comes to consent.
This involves disclosing your sexual orientiation, gender, who will be the Top, the bottom, and so on (we’ll get more into this).
Having more information gives you more understanding and control of the situation.
Important Tips for Newbies
Newbies need to understand that Tops don’t just get to have it their way. They have a responsibility to be considerate of their bottom.
And bottoms must understand that while the Top has control, they still have a responsibility to themselves and hold the ultimate power of giving and taking back their gift of submission.
If you want things to stop, say so. If they don’t stop, defend yourself because this person is not part of the Community and isn’t safe.
That said—
Many new bottoms, or submissives, think that not having preferences and giving their Top free rein is a benefit. It’s not.
If a Top doesn’t know what you like or want, they don’t know what to do with you.
And if the person is a fake dom or a predator, then you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to someone who will exploit and potentially violate you sexually and physically.
How to Negotiate in BDSM
Pre-Scene Negotiations
This is when you are introducing the idea of an encounter. This is where you are clearly expressing what you want and what you are into.
Many times you are making your first impression and setting the tone during this stage.
- Who is Top/bottom?
- Specific Kinks
- Toys, Equipment, Outfits
- What do you want the scene to be?
- How do you want the scene to go?
- Wants & Needs
- Hard & Soft Limits
- Safewords
- Time Duration
- Safety Precautions
- Aftercare
Wants & Needs
A need is something you require in the scene to have a good experience.
A want is an addition you like to experience in your encounters.
If you want to try something then make it clear that you “want to try—” so you are indicating that you’re looking for more experience in that play.
By communicating what you want and need in a scene or experience will make the negotiation easier.
If you are on FetLife, some other social media or app, you can include your wants and needs on your profile to make it easier to find and filter people who are interested.
Hard & Soft Limits
These limits are boundaries that tell people what you will NOT do and what you are willing to do with some caution.
A Hard Limit is completely off the table and you will not do in the scene.
If a hard limit is disregarded, you will end the scene immediately and you will know not to trust your being with this person in the future.
A Soft Limit is something you are willing to experience in a careful manner since you may not be very into that play, you are hesitant from inexperience, it’s a hit or miss kink for you, or any other reason you have.
Types of Play
This is where you get clear on the type of play you will have in the scene.
Types of play can include, but are not limited to:
- Bondage
- Pet Play
- Primal Play
- Edging / Sexual Denial
- Wax Play
- Impact Play
- Degradation
- Worship
- DDLG
What To Expect – Sounds, Reactions, etc.
This is where you communicate any quirks you have during your chosen play.
If you are Domming a man, do you squirt pools of juice when you orgasm? So you know if they are okay if there are piss play levels of squirt involved.
Do you go nonverbal at times? Explain whether this means you are in subspace or if you get overstimulated so your Top knows to put a stop to things.
What noises do you make when you’re having a good time or bad time?
What gestures to look out for if you’re enjoying the scene or need to take a different direction?
These sounds and reactions are unique for every individual.
Scene Duration
This is where you talk about how long the scene will last.
Will it be an hour? An overnight stay? A weekend? Longer?
This way you can be prepared in terms of snacks, meals, refreshers, personal fluffing, toy swap-outs, outfit changes, spiffing, etc.
Safety & Health Concerns
Based on the type of play you can figure out what safety measures you need to have in place.
| Examples of Play | Safety Precautions |
|---|---|
| Penetrative Sex | Condoms, contraceptives, etc. |
| Bondage, Rope Play | Safety shears |
| Mouth gag | Non-verbal gestures or safeword indicators |
| Anal play | Lube |
| Fire Play | Fire extinguishing tools |
You generally want to have a first aid kit handy and within the vicinity.
Many people also have health concerns, disabilities, or ailments that might prevent certain things during play.
Make sure you talk about any STD’s and if anyone is currently carrying anything.
Talk about body parts that shouldn’t be manipulated in certain ways.
Communicate pet or food allergies, medications, recent surgical procedures.
Aftercare
Aftercare is the process of soothing a partner after a scene.
It’s important to talk about aftercare because it’s unique for everyone.
Aftercare is important for intense scenes that really spike up someone’s endorphins or can affect a person’s sense of self.
Does anyone need to be soothed down verbally post-scene? Cuddled? Given water? Left alone?
Ask what your partner needs for aftercare post-scene.
Although not everyone needs aftercare, it’s best to assume everyone does unless explicitly mentioned otherwise.
Ask Questions!
Negotiations is the time to ask all the questions.
It’s during this time that you can figure out if your kinks are compatible with this person. Maybe they have some new ideas or kinks you’re interested in.
If you’re invited to do something that you’ve never heard of—ask about it!
Final Thoughts on Negotiations
Every negotiation is not going to be a full-on disclosure of everything above.
Many times you’ll get a sense of the environment and what’s going on.
Other times it’s an in-depth discussion with someone in text or in-person.
Regardless, everything above is on a need-to-know basis so you have a way for everyone to get on the same page, given the situation.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
