Toxicity, or “being toxic”, is modern culture’s way of calling something immature and very problematic.
The BDSM Kink community is meant to be a safe space where people can express themselves without being judged for any non-typical interests or peculiarities. That said, this community is very inclusive towards a very diverse range of groups of people.
Here are some toxic aspects of the kink community that you might come across:
Racism – This issue is found all over the world and within every community there is. It’s the easiest way for people to form a sense of belonging by demonizing a set of people who have qualities unlike our own.
Although everyone has preferences, there was a time in the kink community where you could tell that people would refuse certain race(s) with an obvious racist attitude. You won’t find many listings like that anymore, thankfully, but you may come across it from much, much older people in the community.
Body Shaming – The kink community is for people of ALL body types. There is no rule that you must be this height, this weight, or this hung. Although people may be looking for a specific experience for a certain roleplay (examples: bimbofication and himbo), nobody is completely restricted from the entire kink landscape.
Learn about kink and disabilities here.
Lack of Inner Consent – Something that’s relatively common, in my experience, is that people will open up their relationships because their partner wants to explore their own sexuality. Many times there is one partner who just really wants to make their relationship work, and begrudgingly goes along with their partner’s wishes, despite not genuinely wanting to do it.
Listen, the community is really big on consent. But you need to be very big on your own “inner consent”. If you find yourself hesitating to agree on something, that’s your being literally telling you to say “No”.
Do not abandon your integrity and your soul for something you don’t genuinely want to do.
Abuse – Abuse is always unacceptable. Everything done within a kink context must have the sound consent of everyone involved.
Assumption of Freely Given Sex – People who assume this are going to catch a case. Just because the community is sex-positive doesn’t mean everyone is automatically consenting to free use. People from the outside looking in might think kinksters are sex-crazed animals. While that’s true for some, it’s definitely not true for all. You still have to get to know who you’re dealing with.
My quick take on our society’s sex wars, lack of ego development, disengenuity, and increasing mental issues:
When people say things like “toxic masculinity”, I know that they are trying to stigmatize “masculine” behavior as bad or evil. That’s stupid. The word people are really looking for, but don’t realize, is immaturity.
The same way there are “toxic” men, there are also “toxic” women, better described as—immature people.
There are immature people on both sides, and there’s no shortage on either end.
The idea that there is “masculine” behavior and “feminine” behavior is inherently sexist, a cause for self-hate, and a projection of that same hatred.
All human beings have “masculine” and “feminine” behaviors that would better be referred to as simply—behaviors.
The words that undiscerning people are really referring to when they say “toxic masculinity” or when I say “toxic femininity” is—aggressive beligerence and passive compliance, respectively. Both of which are the extremes ends of behavior.
It’s important to develop both polarities of behavior in order to attain maturity.
For example, if you are aggressively belligerent, you are too forceful and inconsiderate of other’s feelings.
Meanwhile, if you are passively compliant, you are too enabling and inconsiderate of your own feelings.
The solution is to marry both behaviors upward to the point where you are assertive. Meaning you are being direct and honest, while respecting the other person’s freedom of choice.
BDSM is a great place to develop your ability to take control or give control.
Devolving both behaviors downwards leads to passive aggression. A weak, cowardly, and pathetic manifestation that drives people away over time.
Here’s a lesson everyone should know—
Only disengenuous people will knowingly mix themselves with company who are also fake and shallow.
Healthy people leave these acquaintances behind. In turn, they grow happier and stronger in spirit, three-fold, because they free themselves from the burden of toxic, immature people.
My personal contribution to encouraging psychological and spiritual development in our society would be my Shadow Work Guide and TikTok videos, if you’re interested.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
