Are you looking for questions for vetting a potential dominant? Well, you’ve come to the right place.
What to ask when vetting a potential Dom
Here is a list of things you want to know about a potential Dom before seriously considering them:
- What is their attitude towards consent and safewords?
Do not get involved with someone who disregards consent or safewords. These are there for your safety, and anyone who is dismissive about your safety isn’t someone you want to play with.
Ask them what they know about safewords, non-verbal safewords, ongoing consent, etc.
For example, ask how they handled the last time their partner used a safeword?
Pay close attention to their attitude about having a safeword being used with them.
Check out: What are safe words used for in BDSM?
- What are their limits? How do they feel about your limits?
Ask them about their limits. What are they comfortable doing, and what are they not comfortable doing.
When they ask you about your own limits, pay attention to how they feel about your response.
A good play partner is someone who will be understanding about your limits and triggers. So if they aren’t respectful about your limits, it’s best not to move forward with them.
Check out: What are hard limits and soft limits in BDSM?
- How is their aftercare?
Every Dom knows what aftercare is. If they don’t know what aftercare is, it’s best not to move forward with them.
You can find out what aftercare is by asking them, “How do you like your aftercare?”. And you want to do this before you tell anything about your own aftercare.
Check out: Aftercare Guide for BDSM
- How involved are they in the community?
Ask them questions about their involvement in the kink community.
How long have you been in the scene?
How many play partners do you have already?
Check out: A Slave Auction at Sanctuary
- What is their view on dominance (you can find out if how they are physically)?
Asking for their perspective on dominance can give you an idea of how they will handle you physically.
You can also ask, “Why do you dominate?”
This will give you insight into the type of Dom and person they are.
For example, a red flag would be saying something immature or sexist, claiming one sex is inherently superior to another.
Check out: Dom sub Psychology: Shadow Play.
- Do they know how to play safely?
Which areas should you avoid during impact play?
Do you know where not to tie to prevent nerve damage?
Tell me about a failed scene or mistake you’ve made during a scene.
Everyone makes mistakes. And at the very least, an experienced Dom can tell you the last time there was a hiccup during a scene.
Not admitting to making any mistake is a red flag. Either because they didn’t learn from their actions, or they don’t have the experience.
It’s not hard to admit that you consensually slapped someone a bit too hard. Then adjusted after making sure they were okay. (That’s a fairly universal experience, I like to think.)
- How compatible are your kinks?
Always have the Dom disclose their kinks first.
If you go first and they aren’t an honest Dom, they’ll likely go along with whatever you’re saying so they can get what they want.
Naively telling your kinks first can attract abusers, manipulators, etc.
Besides, letting a Dom talk about their preferences first gives them a chance to build a mental safe space for you.
Fill out this to share your preferred kinks and limits.
- Health concerns? STI’s? How they feel about using condoms?
Make sure you are both aware of any health issues like depression, epilepsy, etc.
If there’s going to be intercourse, ask about STI’s, if they’re okay with using condoms, the last time they were tested, etc.
- Ask to take things slow
By asking to take things slow, you can get a sense of their level of emotional maturity based on how they react.
This is important because you want to see how the person responds to rejection or resistance, which can tell you about their trustworthiness.
Make it clear that you don’t want to meet this person until you’ve gotten a chance to know them for at least X days.
That way you can learn more about them, as a person.
And if at any point they get weird or creepy, you can drop them.
What are fake Doms?
Fake doms are people who are inexperienced and don’t know what it means to be a Dominant.
This is a real problem because many men who hear about D/s dynamics are only interested in it for purely selfish reasons.
As a result, they cause a lot of damage to people who don’t know any better.
In my experience, most inexperienced men assume that they are Dominants. Yet, at the same time, many inexperienced women prefer to be submissives.
These ignorant and inexperienced Dominants find inexperienced submissives who don’t understand consent and end up abusing them.
Abuse is absolutely unacceptable, and I will not stand for it. So I’ve put together a list of fake dom warning signs and red flags.
Vetting a Dom: Warning Signs & Red Flags
Here is a quick list of red flags:
- They are pushy about meeting up right away
- They are married and are exploring without their partner knowing or consenting
- Unsolicited nudes or dirty talk without consent
- Neediness or Unhealthy Behaviors
- Very vague responses
- Being pressured into doing things
- Punishing you during this screening process
- Highly demanding, especially out of nowhere
Check out: How to Spot a Fake Dom.
Vetting a Dom When You First Meet
Here are red flags to look out for when you first meet a potential Dom in public:
- They lie or are inconsistent with what they’ve told you before
You both have already been talking and have gotten to know more about each other by this point.
This is an excellent time to ask questions they’ve already answered to see any lies or inconsistencies.
You want to be playing with someone you can trust.
- Telling you how to dress or behave upon meeting
This is still part of the screening process. So unless agreed to, they really shouldn’t be telling you what to wear or how to look or act when you both meet in public.
- Being overly touchy and making you uncomfortable
Feel free to leave.
- Not sharing some sensible personal information
I don’t think there should be any issue asking for someone’s last name or what vehicle they’re driving. You should know enough to feel safe.
Being Careful When You First Play
- Consider safety measures
Many people highly recommend that you first play in a dungeon or a play party. That way, if something goes wrong, you’re already reasonably safe.
Personally, the first time I play with girls is usually back at my place. But I’m pretty sure my personality makes me come off as trustworthy, and I have a following.
Regardless, make sure you do the following:
- Share your location with a friend.
- Schedule a time to call someone to check in with for your safety.
- Have first names, last names, phone numbers, etc.
- Don’t be afraid to say “no” and assert boundaries in-person
Some people think that being submissive means allowing a person to treat you however they want.
This isn’t true. Your consent is essential.
I don’t want anyone being manipulated or abused. So you need to understand that this is a type of relationship and your voice always matters.
Always remember that you are allowed to say “no.”
- Trust Your Gut
If something in you feels “off,” listen to that feeling. There will always be more people to play with. So don’t be afraid to leave if your gut is telling you you should go.
Green Flags for a Potential Dom
Here are some green flags for a potential Dom:
- Upfront and respectful on initial communication
They are direct and honest about their intentions without having to be overtly sexual.
- Interested in you as a person
They can remember some of your safewords, limits, kinks, and preferred aftercare. This shows that they do sincerely care about your safety.
They also know about you as a person.
- Is willing to point out incompatibilities
When a person is just trying to make you like them, it’s common that they will say they’re interested in all the same things you’re interested in.
So if a Dom is willing to point out any incompatibilities, it just shows integrity. They are able, to be honest with themselves and others.
- Has a safety plan if things go wrong
A good Dom is a competent and thoughtful Dom.
A green flag is if they have a plan, regardless if they’ve “never needed a plan.”
- Honest about experience
Being transparent about what you know and don’t know is a green flag.
Admitting that they are inexperienced in some areas shows that they’re not going to be reckless with handling you.
You want someone who can play with you in their areas of competency.
You can explore areas of lower competency after you’ve built a certain level of trust and play rapport.
- Thoughtful Screening & Conversation
If they screen you with thoughtful and detailed questions.
- Reliable
They seem like they can work through conflict.
They can help support and help you manage any emotional or mental issues that come up.
You want to get a sense that they can respond appropriately if things take a left turn.
- Healthy Self-Esteem
Confident, empathic, funny, intelligent, etc.
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
