Knowing what are soft limits and hard limits are important in BDsM.
They help establish the boundaries of what is consensual and what is not. What’s okay and what is not okay.
Both Tops and bottoms are entitled to have their say in what they will and won’t do.
When these boundaries are respected and acknowledged, players can build mutual trust for each other.
Before getting into a scene with someone, it’s important to go over soft and hard limits to see if everyone involved is compatible.
Soft and Hard Limits Definitions
Hard Limits must always be respected and never crossed.
For example, if you tell someone that you have a hard limit on being spat on—then under no circumstance should your play partner spit on you.
Hard Limits typically surround a person’s:
- Trigger points (trauma-inducing)
- Sacred acts only done with specific partners
- Firm dislikes and lack of preference
Violating a hard limit is serious. Someone who willingly violates a hard limit is not somebody you want to play with. It’d be best to terminate the relationship.
Soft Limits are generally avoided but can be explored with caution and in a limited fashion.
A soft limit is best approached from a “yellow” mindset.
For example, if you mention you have a soft limit on being slapped across the face—generally, your partner will avoid it unless they’re interested in it.
However, if you negotiated to explore it, then a responsible partner will act it out and pay close attention to how you react and whether to proceed or back off.
Soft Limits are usually based on:
- What the player doesn’t find to be enjoyable, but may engage in for their play partner
- Areas where someone is curious, but not experienced in or sure about
In general, you want to avoid limits. Some play partners can gauge whether they can explore soft limits, but always proceed with caution.
Make sure you understand safewords.
Hard and Soft Limits Examples
Everyone has their own preference for what they will consent to.
Personally, a hard limit I have is getting my balls played with. I understand lots of people love that shit. I don’t. They’re very sensitive and it brings me immediate displeasure and discomfort.
Then, I have a soft limit for sting pain. Although I can be open to it depending on the toy and how it’s handled—my partner needs to know to proceed with caution.
Sometimes I just don’t want to feel the sting sensation, and usually, it brings back memories of being bothered by my siblings. It’s not traumatic. But like… who wants to be reminded of their siblings at a time like this?
Those are some simple examples from myself. But here are some I’ve come across.
Hard limit examples I’ve come across:
- Bondage/Restraints. She had gotten a procedure done to her back and needed to have her arms and legs free to prevent her body being positioned in a way that could cause her damage.
- Verbal Degradation. My bottom was in a very abusive relationship, so she was very emotionally sensitive and triggered by demeaning phrases.
- Exchanging bodily fluid. She was in an open relationship where she and her primary partner are the only ones who they can exchange bodily fluids with.
Soft limits examples I’ve come across:
- No flogging on the back. Very early in the scene, just as I started flogging her back, she called “yellow…hold on”. She didn’t like any impact play on her back because it did nothing for her. She preferred that I kept the impact play to her ass.
- Penetration/Sex. This girl considered herself to be asexual but enjoyed experiencing the sensations and power dynamics involved in a scene. She allowed intercourse only if the person she was playing with needed it (a “must-have” or “requirement”).
A requirement (or “must-have”) is something you need out of a scene. As a safety measure, I mention that being comfortable saying safewords is a must-have, or I won’t play.
If I’m performing research, then I make the goal experience a must-have. Otherwise, I must achieve orgasm.
Hard Limits in Relationships
This is where a lot of alternative lifestyles can overlap. This includes polyamorous relationships, open relationships, swinging, etc.
I will not define what each of these types of relationships means because they each deserve their own comprehensive article.
But I will mention that all relationships and commitments between people vary from unit to unit.
This means that hard limits are more diverse. Here are two quick examples:
- You must introduce new partners to Master
A professional Sir wants to know who his slaves are playing with. So he has his girls bring him anyone they are interested in.
He does this because he cares most about their well-being. And he wants to discern whether or not this new person is good for his slaves to be around (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc).
If he’s not okay with the person, he tells his girls to turn them away.
- You will not hide your primary partner
In open relationships, one aspect of trust is making it known to others that you have a main partner.
Aside from awareness, they may make it known that there are things they will only do with their main partner. For example unprotected sex, pet names, anal, etc.
I wish I had examples where all partners were on even ground, but I’ve yet to come across that yet.
Check out the submissive’s Guide to Surrender & Submission.
Hard Limits for Doms
A Dom, or Dominant, is a “top” role played by someone who likes taking control. Their dominance is meant to consensually deliver a satisfying experience/lifestyle for both “top” and “bottom” parties.
This means that absolute respect for limits is vital!
Sure, with soft limits, a Dom may overextend a bit and appropriately back off. Depending on the bottom’s experience and curiosity, trial and error are inherent to soft limits.
But hard limits are absolute.
If a bottom has to call “red” on a hard limit—
The scene may stop immediately. But the relationship will be terminated inevitably.
(At least this is how I see it. Boundaries are extremely important to me. Genuine consent is always #1.)
Reconsider whether this person is a real dom or fake dom.
At minimum, this is an irresponsible/disrespectful person who lacks self-control.
On the other hand—
Just because you are a Dom and you are given more responsibility for the scene DOES NOT mean that you don’t have your own hard limits.
If a bottom wants to be pissed on, but you have a hard limit on pissing on people, then make it clear that nobody is getting pissed on.
This is why it’s important to go over limits and safewords when negotiating a scene. You need to make sure you’re compatible with who you play with and everyone is able to get what they want out of it.
NOTE: Consensual Non-Consent (or “CNC”) means that the bottom has waived all consent. This means that there are no hard limits. However, this arrangement will have its own article in the future.
Soft Limits for a sub
A sub, or submissive, is a “bottom” role played by someone who likes being controlled. Their submission allows them to consensually surrender themselves to serve and/or receive an experience from the “top”.
Soft limits can be explored if the sub feels comfortable with who they are playing with.
Based on my experience, a sub will feel comfortable when they believe their Dom is competent, compassionate, and self-aware.
If these soft limits are going to be explored, a Dom will proceed with caution and pay close attention to see how their sub is responding.
To make things easier for yourself, fill out a checklist so you have a firm grasp of your preferences prior to negotiations.
Here is a very simple checklist for you to mark off your hard limits, soft limits, favorite “must-have” kinks, and any personalized notes.
-Soft & Hard Limits Checklist-
Here are some resources I recommend:
DOM SUB 101 teaches you essential basic and advanced BDSM concepts, such as DomSpeak, power exchange, finding a partner, poly jealousy, primal play, contracts, worksheets and so on.
Submissive Journal: 365 Daily Journal Prompts will help you develop your emotional awareness, build your kinky relationships, as well as explore your submissive self-image and sensual desires.
Danger & Play BDSM Package includes handcuffs, mouth gag, kink paddle, collar and leash, nipple clamps, blindfold, shibari rope, and much more.
Classic Black Flogger is an incredibly versatile 5-star, impact play toy for both beginners and seasoned players.
Discreet Remote Control Vibrator 3 is the funnest toy to have your partner wear for getting them hot and bothered anytime and anywhere. (Read review)
Rose 2-in-1 Vibrator is easily one of the most pleasurable experiences she’s looking to have. (Read reviews)
Low Temp Wax Play Candles are incredible for very intimate, sensual experience that you and your partner will never forget. (Read guide)
The links above are NOT affiliate links. The product links are the exact same products I happily own from trusted vendor Sinful Goods.
Bathmate Hydromax is the safest and most effective male enhancement product I’ve ever used to increase my length and girth. Read more here.
Relationship Subliminal for self-hypnotism will help you change your unconscious behavior, gain better relationships, and attract like-minded people and partners.
DOM SUB 101 (Lite) is an affordable alternative to the ever-growing DOM SUB 101. This is for curious kinksters who are on a budget.
Inner Shadow Work is my main website that goes over psychology, spirituality, emotional maturity, consciousness, etc. If you’re interested, click here.
